


One Big, Collective Mistake

by royaltyjunk



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hope's Peak Academy (Dangan Ronpa), F/M, another! chatfic!, ships are very subtle
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-20
Updated: 2018-07-03
Packaged: 2019-03-07 06:44:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 20,733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13429074
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/royaltyjunk/pseuds/royaltyjunk
Summary: In which Momota messes the hell up one night. The rest, as you would say, is history.





	1. The Cult™

**Author's Note:**

> Author’s Ideas: This was a mistake. There are so many of these and this one isn’t even funny why did I decide to do this  
> You’ll figure out who’s who as you go on

Friday, January 19th 2018, 10:13 PM

**Momota Kaito** added **15 others** to **New Group**

**Saihara Shuuichi:** wait what

 **Momota Kaito:** shit

 **Momota Kaito:** thats not what i meant to do

 **Momota Kaito:** hold on

 **Ouma Kokichi:** too late

 **Momota Kaito:** FUCK

**Ouma Kokichi** renamed **New Group** to **The 79th Disaster**

**Hoshi Ryouma:** look at what you’ve done Momota

 **Hoshi Ryouma:** you’ve literally brought the devil to life

 **Ouma Kokichi:** rude

 **Ouma Kokichi:** r00d

 **Saihara Shuuichi:** why

 **Akamatsu Kaede:** what’s happening?

 **Akamatsu Kaede:** oh.

 **Saihara Shuuichi:** run Akamatsu-san

 **Saihara Shuuichi:** run and never look back

 **Shinguuji Korekiyo:** Oh my.

 **Yonaga Angie:** ny’allo everyone!!!

 **Gokuhara Gonta:** Hello everyone! Gonta is happy to see you all!

 **K1-B0:** Hello Gonta, everyone else!

 **Akamatsu Kaede:** the two cinnamon rolls have spoken.

 **Akamatsu Kaede:** this chat has been blessed.

**Ouma Kokichi** changed their nickname to **panta. just panta**

**Akamatsu Kaede:** never mind.

 **panta. just panta:** shut up

 **panta. just panta:** you

 **panta. just panta:** piano bitch

 **Amami Rantarou:** settle down there kiddo

 **panta. just panta:** FUCK YOU

 **Yumeno Himiko:** why is that the first message i read

 **Chabashira Tenko:** Tenko will protect you Yumeno!

 **Momota Kaito:** thats not a situation that she’ll need protecting from but okay

 **Shinguuji Korekiyo:** Amami, did you just call Ouma “kiddo”?

 **Amami Rantarou:** yeah why

 **Harukawa Maki:** because Ouma is no one’s kiddo

 **Harukawa Maki:** he’s a little shit

 **panta. just panta:** YOU WANNA GO BITCH

 **Momota Kaito:** kick his ass babe

**Akamatsu Kaede** changed **Momota Kaito** ’s nickname to **kick his ass babe**

**Yonaga Angie:** nyahahaha! angie thinks it works!

 **Chabashira Tenko:** hissssss

 **Amami Rantarou:** who invited a snake in here

 **Chabashira Tenko:** HISSSSSS

 **kick his ass babe:** akamatsu how could you

 **kick his ass babe:** i thought i could trust you

 **Harukawa Maki:** hey quick question can I kill Ouma

 **Harukawa Maki:** and Akamatsu while I’m at it

 **Saihara Shuuichi:** please don’t kill Akamatsu-san

 **Saihara Shuuichi:** I think we’re all okay with Ouma getting killed though right

 **panta. just panta:** what the hell saihara I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS

 **panta. just panta:** AND WHERE ARE MY HONORIFICS WHAT THE FUCK

 **Hoshi Ryouma:** he literally gives zero shits about you ouma all of us do

 **kick his ass babe:** OH SHIT HOSHI COMING IN HOT

 **Amami Rantarou:** tennis man dishing out those spicy burns

 **Harukawa Maki:** be right back

 **Yonaga Angie:** go harukawa!!!!

 **Gokuhara Gonta:** Gonta doesn’t know what Harukawa-san is doing, but I’m sure she can do it!

**Shirogane Tsumugi** changed their nickname to **(^з^)-☆**

**(^з^)-☆:** Go Harukawa-san!

 **Amami Rantarou:** burn it

 **kick his ass babe:** gonta where have you been harumaki’s going to go kick ouma’s ass

 **Gokuhara Gonta:** Oh no! Violence isn’t good though!

 **K1-B0:** I would agree, but this is Ouma we are talking about…

 **panta. just panta:** WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEUGIARELKSJGNDX

 **Shinguuji Korekiyo:** Ouma…?

 **Yumeno Himiko:** suspicious……….

**Chabashira Tenko** changed **Yumeno Himiko** ’s nickname to **the real mage!**

**Chabashira Tenko** changed their nickname to **the real aikido master!**

**the real aikido master!:** Tenko hopes you like your nickname, Yumeno!

 **the real mage!:** …

 **the real mage!:** it’s nice…

 **Toujou Kirumi:** If I may ask, did Ouma do something in this chat that warranted Harukawa-san to drag an unconscious Ouma through the cafeteria and shove him into the cabinet beneath the sink?

 **Saihara Shuuichi:** SHE DID WHAT NOW

 **Amami Rantarou:** GHRUIEGAH;IREGIRE I’NM JSHITTIGN

 **kick his ass babe:** YES GOOD

 **Shinguuji Korekiyo:** How… interesting.

 **the real aikido master!:** that degenerate deserved it!

 **Akamatsu Kaede:** I’M SORRY WHAT?

 **kick his ass babe:** mom you don’t happen to have footage of that, do you

 **Toujou Kirumi:** Mind your own business, Momota-kun.

 **kick his ass babe:** yes mom

**(^з^)-☆** changed **Toujou Kirumi** ’s nickname to **mom**

**(^з^)-☆:** Perfect!

 **mom:** Thank you, Shirogane-san.

 **Harukawa Maki:** i’m back

 **Harukawa Maki:** i shoved Ouma into a cabinet in the kitchen

 **kick his ass babe:** good job babe

**kick his ass babe** changed **Harukawa Maki** ’s nickname to **good job babe**

**good job babe** changed their nickname to **stop**

**stop:** stop

 **Yonaga Angie:** wait wait wait wait wait!!!

 **stop:** what

 **Yonaga Angie:** that means Ouma’s room is empty, right???

 **Shinguuji Korekiyo:** If he has been stuffed into a cabinet, he cannot possibly be in his room.

 **Yonaga Angie:** oh ho ho ho ho ho

 **Hoshi Ryouma:** you sound like fucking santa claus

 **the real mage!:** what the hell is a santa claus

 **Hoshi Ryouma:** you’ve never heard of him?

 **the real mage!:** no…….

 **Hoshi Ryouma:** he’s like this guy in america that represents christmas

 **Hoshi Ryouma:** really fat, has a long beard, says “ho ho ho” all the fucking time

**the real mage!** changed **Hoshi Ryouma** ’s nickname to **ho ho ho**

**ho ho ho:** ffs

 **Shinguuji Korekiyo:** Although, if I’m not mistaken, Santa Claus has elves working for him, doesn’t he?

 **ho ho ho:** shinguuji no

**the real mage!** changed **Hoshi Ryouma** ’s nickname to **a literal elf**

**the real mage!** changed **Yonaga Angie** ’s nickname to **hon hon hon**

**a literal elf:** that’s even fucking worse thanks shinguuji

**Shinguuji Korekiyo** changed their nickname to **demons**

**demons:** You’re welcome, Hoshi-kun.

 **demons:** Why did you change Angie’s nickname though?

 **the real mage!:** she does her weird laughs and she’s foreign

 **the real mage!:** it just kinda works i guess

 **panta. just panta:** what if hope’s peak academy is just tryin gto make us into a cult

 **kick his ass babe:** WHAT THE FUCK

 **the real aikido master!:** a degenerate!

 **Saihara Shuuichi:** DEAR GOD NO

 **demons:** I was not anticipating you to speak, Ouma.

 **Akamatsu Kaede:** OH JEEZ.

 **Amami Rantarou:** when the hell did you wake up from harukawa’s assault

 **Amami Rantarou:** but continue that thought

 **a literal elf:** don’t encourage him you asshole

**panta. just panta** changed **Amami Rantarou** ’s nickname to **shsl cult leader**

**shsl cult leader:** i’ve been exposed

 **panta. just panta:** no but they made this mesaginsg system for a re ason right

 **panta. just panta:** what if they want us to plan rituals and c reate satanic chants or smoething

 **demons:** You must be rather delirious, Ouma.

 **panta. just panta:** yeah the wdorl is spinning al ot and shit

 **Saihara Shuuichi:** is that Ouma i can hear

 **mom:** The voice that sounds drunk and is chanting “let us make a cult” over and over again? Yes, unfortunately.

 **kick his ass babe:** don’t let him out mom

 **stop:** yes

 **stop:** leave him to die a lonely and painful death

 **stop:** like he fucking deserves

 **shsl cult leader:** oh shit busting out the big boy words now

 **panta. just panta:** what if the founder of this scgool was a cult leader and we were all sxouted by cult leaders and all the researchers here are cult leadwrs and all our teachers are culr leaders. what if we’re all cult members, but we’re closwt cult members. what if this school exidts to fuel our dreams of forming cults and our class is supposed to be the cult™ because we hace the shsl cult leader

 **panta. just panta:** just think about that guys. don’t your emember in the beginning of the chat how hoshi called me the devil. what if i am thd devil and you guys are supposed to be creating a cult based around mr and sacrificing things to me and performinh rituals in myn ame

**panta. just panta** renamed **The 79th Disaster** to **The Cult™**

**Akamatsu Kaede:** ouma.

 **panta. just panta:** what is it tittymatsu

 **Akamatsu Kaede:** did you get high or something what the heck is happening.

 **Akamatsu Kaede:** how could you possibly think of stuff like this

 **kick his ass babe:** yo this sounds like some game theory shit

 **the real mage!:** T o D A y O n g A M e t H e o R Y

 **shsl cult leader:** why did you make me read that

 **Akamatsu Kaede:** that is one of the most visually horrifying things i’ve ever seen.

 **stop:** no ouma is

 **shsl cult leader:** OOOOOOOOOOOH GET REKT

 **kick his ass babe:** SLAM DUNKED

 **Saihara Shuuichi:** thank you Harukawa-san

 **Akamatsu Kaede:** ^^^^^

 **panta. just panta:** wow thanks guys feeling to the love

 **demons:** “Feeling to the love”.

 **Akamatsu Kaede:** feeling to the love.

 **shsl cult leader:** feeling to the love

 **Saihara Shuuichi:** feeling to the love

 **kick his ass babe:** feeling to the love

 **panta. just panta:** fucking to the love

 **a literal elf:** that’s where i’m drawing the line

 **Gokuhara Gonta:** What is “fucking to the love”?

 **a literal elf:** THAT’S WHERE I’M DRAWING THE GODDAMN LINE

 **shsl cult leader:** yeah draw that goddamn line hoshi

 **panta. just panta:** mmm drawin g lines

 **panta. just panta:** send pixs

 **Saihara Shuuichi:** is no one going to point out how Ouma keeps sending typos

 **panta. just panta:** i told you shyhara i’m fuckign hig

 **panta. just panta:** h

 **(^з^)-☆:** “hig” “h”

 **Akamatsu Kaede:** mood.

 **Saihara Shuuichi:** high from what

 **panta. just panta:** unconsciousness

 **kick his ass babe:** what the fuck

 **panta. just panta:** okay okay but

 **panta. just panta:** WAIT WHAT THE HELL

 **panta. just panta:** ANGIE WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO MY ROOM

 **hon hon hon:** nyahahaha!!! angie hopes you like it!!!

 **hon hon hon:** wait a minute

 **hon hon hon:** WHO CHANGED ANGIE’S NAME

 **hon hon hon:** KAMI-SAMA IS VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU

 **kick his ass babe:** wait if he’s back in his room does that mean mom let him out

 **panta. just panta:** i don’t nees no mim to let mr out

 **panta. just panta:** me let melsefs out

 **demons:** Hm.

 **demons:** Incorrect.

 **panta. just panta:** but anywaqys

 **the real aikido master!:** HUREOAG

 **panta. just panta:** ANGIE WHERET HE FUCK ARE YOIU

 **kick his ass babe:** chabashira you good

**the real aikido master!** sent an image to **The Cult™**

**kick his ass babe:** WHA T

 **shsl cult leader:** is

 **Saihara Shuuichi:** DID SHE JUMP OUT OF OUMA’S WINDOW

 **panta. just panta:** ANGIR WHAR THE FUKC

 **shsl cult leader:** is that Angie literally hanging onto your window from the outside with her face squished against the glass

 **the real aikido master!:** she said her knee hurts

 **the real aikido master!:** and that i should let her in

 **kick his ass babe:** WELL YEAH BECAUSE YOU SHOULD

 **the real aikido master!:** but if Tenko opens the window she’ll fall

 **Akamatsu Kaede:** i can hear her yelling “pull angie in”.

 **kick his ass babe:** OW

 **Akamatsu Kaede:** WHAT WAS THAT?

 **the real aikido master!:** SHE BROKE THE WINDOW

 **the real mage!:** ...oh thats what that noise was

 **a literal elf:** my ears still hurt

 **the real aikido master!:** TOUJOU-SAN SHE’S BLEEDING

 **the real aikido master!:** A LOT

 **the real aikido master!:** SHE’S NOT RESPONDING

 **the real mage!:** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XUjTmTnnszk

 **shsl cult leader:** YUMENO WHAT THE HELL

 **mom:** ...I will be right there, Chabashira-san.

 **kick his ass babe:** and there goes mom

 **demons:** Nyoom.

 **(^з^)-☆:** Like Sonic!

 **a literal elf:** no

 **shsl cult leader:** but wait ouma what did angie do to your room

 **panta. just panta:** she ufckin

 **panta. just panta:** mutilared it

 **panta. just panta:** SHE DREWW A DICK O NMY BARTHROM DOOR

 **kick his ass babe:** omfg

 **panta. just panta:** THEREW’S PAIRNT ALL OVER MY BED AND WQALLS

 **stop:** good job angie

 **panta. just panta:** MOM HAELRP ME CLEARN THIS UP PLSSSSS ANGIE WASD MEAN TO ME WAAAAAAAAH

 **a literal elf:** i’m literally going to kill myself

 **kick his ass babe:** buddy you good

 **the real aikido master!:** Toujou-san says she is not fixing your mess for you!

 **the real aikido master!:** She says to go clean it up yourself!

 **the real aikido master!:** Tenko agrees! Tenko says this is your problem!

 **shsl cult leader:** ouma’s getting burned by mom and lesby

 **the real mage!:** nah he’s getting roasted

 **the real mage!:** to roasty toasty perfection

 **kick his ass babe:** ROASTY TOASTY PERFECTION

 **Saihara Shuuichi:** OHG AORSF I CAN’TF

 **Akamatsu Kaede:** THESE TEARS ON MY FACE ARE REAL.

 **a literal elf:** ouma marshmallows mmmmm

 **demons:** What an… interesting way of phrasing it.

 **stop:** yes let him burn in hell

**kick his ass babe** changed **Akamatsu Kaede** ’s nickname to **roasty**

**roasty:** MOMOTA WHAT THE HELL.

**kick his ass babe** changed **Saihara Shuuichi** ’s nickname to **toasty**

**roasty:** better but STILL WHY.

**kick his ass babe** changed **stop** ’s nickname to **perfection**

**perfection:** oh my god

 **(^з^)-☆:** Ahhhh look at these couple goals! My ships~!

 **perfection:** Shirogane

 **(^з^)-☆:** Please don’t kill me.

 **perfection:** you’re tempting me

 **(^з^)-☆:** I’M SORRY PLEASE DON’T KILL ME I STILL HAVE TO FINISH RWBY

 **toasty:** ohm y gosh my nam e

 **toasty:** Momota-kun this is your fault isn’t it

 **shsl cult leader:** man look at those shsl detective powers

 **panta. just panta:** bullshit pweors

 **Gokuhara Gonta:** Gonta likes marshmallows! Gonta thinks Ouma looks like a marshmallow!

 **toasty:** I

 **roasty:** OH MY GOSH.

**shsl cult leader** changed **panta. just panta** ’s nickname to **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head**

**a literal elf:** amami wtf

 **kick his ass babe:** I CNA’T BREAHE

 **the real mage!:** now we can really roast him to roasty toasty perfection

 **shsl cult leader:** i take back everything i said about this chat being a disaster and a mistake

 **K1-B0:** Amami-kun, my databanks can remember nothing about you saying this chat was a disaster or a mistake.

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** fucirgn calledf out

 **shsl cult leader:** shut up you marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head

 **shsl cult leader:** go clean your room or something

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** yes cult leader i will go scrub thart dikc off mjy door

 **shsl cult leader:** you know what

 **the real aikido master!:** Good news! Yonaga-san will be fine!

 **the real aikido master!:** However, Toujou-san insists we go to sleep soon! It is nearly 11 PM after all!

 **shsl cult leader:** alright clean it up kiddos

 **(^з^)-☆:** Since when did you become the leader character…?

 **the real mage!:** death flags are rising… i can see them in the distance…

 **shsl cult leader:** shut

 **shsl cult leader:** go to bed kiddos

 **shsl cult leader:** we have a big day of sacrifices ahead of us

Saturday, January 20th 2018, 3:02 AM

**Iruma Miu:** YO WHAT THE FUCK

 **Iruma Miu:** WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED WHILE I WAS GONE

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head** changed **Iruma Miu** ’s nickname to **fuckin virgin**

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** the slut shows her face

 **shsl cult leader:** we’re a cult now, angie broke tenko’s window, and ouma got roasted to roasty toasty perfection

**fuckin virgin** changed their nickname to **gettin that pussy**

**gettin that pussy:** i can fuckin roll with that

 **gettin that pussy:** especially the cult part

 **shsl cult leader:** cult complete

 **shsl cult leader:** commencing sacrifice

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** wtf amami we didn’t agree to do a sacrifice so soon

 **gettin that pussy:** we can just sacrifice you

 **shsl cult leader:** exactly

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** WTF AMAMI

 **shsl cult leader:** just remind me to tell harukawa tomorrow

 **shsl cult leader:** or today

 **shsl cult leader:** i don’t even know anymore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s fudging hard to write typos when you know how to type with your eyes closed


	2. Trees and Tide Pods - oh, and Toujou

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **mom:** Not again.
> 
>  **shsl cult leader:** it’s okay mom this time we’re disposing of the body ourselves
> 
>  **gettin that pussy:** YEAH YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING
> 
>  **K1-B0:** I don’t believe that is the issue here…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Ideas: I would like to reiterate that this was a mistake  
> Also I’m just going to pretend that dates don’t matter they’re just there to make it look professional okay thanks

Tuesday, January 23rd, 2:48 PM

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** AAAAAAAA

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** FUCK

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** NO

 **shsl cult leader:** oh right

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** AMAMI

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** THIS IS

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** got him

 **shsl cult leader:** good job harukawa

 **gettin that pussy:** WAIT YOU ACTUALLY GOT HER TO FUCKING ASSAULT HIM

 **shsl cult leader:** dude she was more than down

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** alright time to haul this body to Chabashira’s room

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** Amami get into position

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** and Iruma i guess

 **toasty:** wait what’s happening

 **shsl cult leader:** look out your doors @ girls

 **roasty:** WHAT DID I JUST SEE?

 **mom:** Not again.

 **shsl cult leader:** it’s okay mom this time we’re disposing of the body ourselves

 **gettin that pussy:** YEAH YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING

 **K1-B0:** I don’t believe that is the issue here…

 **perfection:** Chabashira open the damn door before I kick it down

 **the real aikido master!:** Sorry Harukawa-san! Tenko will be right there!

 **perfection:** thank god

 **perfection:** I don't have to deal with that little shit anymore

 **kick his ass babe:** WAIT YOU GUYS FUCKIN ASSAULTED OUMA

 **kick his ass babe:** WHY DIDN’T YOU LET ME IN

 **shsl cult leader:** if you want in want to help us tie ouma to a tree

 **kick his ass babe:** hell yes

 **perfection:** great

 **kick his ass babe:** i’m going to pretend that isn't sarcasm even though i know full well that it is

 **shsl cult leader:** hey chabs can you see us

 **the real aikido master!:** Don’t you dare call me that!

 **the real aikido master!:** But yes! I can see you!

 **roasty:** alright so quick question why are you tossing ouma out of chabashira’s window.

 **shsl cult leader:** because no one expects chabashira to join in on us messing with ouma

 **toasty:** but she hates guys

 **toasty:** it makes sense if you think about it

 **kick his ass babe:** look shuuichi we’re beating up ouma it’s all good

 **toasty:** actually yeah

 **the real aikido master!:** Tenko is ready to throw the body!

 **toasty:** WAIT WHAT

 **the real aikido master!:** Tenko swears to Angie’s god you degenerate male!

 **the real aikido master!:** If you don’t catch this little shitstain and he actually dies and we’re all blamed for it, Tenko will find you and beat you up!

 **shsl cult leader:** i’ll catch him i promise

 **shsl cult leader:** if i don’t iruma will

 **gettin that pussy:** WITH MY TITS

 **shsl cult leader:** you know what

 **shsl cult leader:** i’ll just catch him

 **gettin that pussy:** WAIT WERE YOU PLANNING ON NOT CATCHING HIM

 **shsl cult leader:** i mean

 **the real aikido master!:** YOU DEGENERATE MALE!

 **shsl cult leader:** look i’ll catch him okay settle down

 **shsl cult leader:** now throw him before he fucking wakes up

 **the real aikido master!:** First put away your phone, you degenerate male!

 **the real aikido master!:** Very well! Here Tenko goes!

 **gettin that pussy:** WE GOT HIM

 **gettin that pussy:** amami says hes heavy for a shouta

 **(^з^)-☆:** Really???

 **demons:** Interesting.

 **mom:** Shinguuji-kun.

 **demons:** Apologies, Toujou-san.

 **gettin that pussy:** also momota

 **gettin that pussy:** harukawa

 **gettin that pussy:** get the shit ready we’re tying this asshole to a tree

 **kick his ass babe:** ready harumaki

 **perfection:** of course

 **a literal elf:** is that harukawa i hear sprinting down the hallway

 **roasty:** is that harUKAWA JUMPING OUT FROM THE THIRD FLOOR CARRYING MOMOTA IN A BRIDAL CARRY!?

 **demons:** Oh my.

 **kick his ass babe:** AAAAAAAAAA

 **gettin that pussy:** wow

 **gettin that pussy:** amami drag the body over

 **gettin that pussy:** we’re tying this little shit up

 **toasty:** how is ouma staying unconscious for this long

 **perfection:** last time all i did was kick him in the back

 **perfection:** this time i actually tried

 **toasty:** well where did you aim this time

 **perfection:** his face

 **perfection:** i just punched him

 **toasty:** you know what

 **shsl cult leader:** hey angie we’re close to your dorm want to watch us tie up ouma

 **hon hon hon:** hmmmm

 **hon hon hon:** atua is speaking…..

 **hon hon hon:** he agrees! angie will watch!

 **hon hon hon:** perhaps atua will use it as inspiration for angie to paint later!!!

 **a literal elf:** yeah sure make a painting about how five classmates ganged up on a little shit and tied him to a tree

 **toasty:** yonaga-san keep us updated

 **hon hon hon:** okay~

 **hon hon hon:** they are tying ouma to the tree

 **hon hon hon:** i see harukawa-san looping the rope around the

 **hon hon hon:** wow

 **hon hon hon:** that’s a lot of rope

 **hon hon hon:** shinguuji-kun did you lend them all that rope????

 **(^з^)-☆:** I’m sorry what

 **demons:** I’m surprised you figured it out that quickly.

 **roasty:** shinguuji-kun.

 **toasty:** i… oh

 **a literal elf:** what is it saihara

 **toasty:** um

 **toasty:** no it’s nothing

 **demons:** Ah.

 **demons:** Well, Saihara-kun. I will tell you that you are not wrong.

 **toasty:** ghuiraegfghuiarg

 **toasty:** uh thanks i guess

 **(^з^)-☆:** That’s suspicious

 **hon hon hon:** well ouma is tied to the tree now but amami-kun’s doing something

 **hon hon hon:** oya?

 **hon hon hon:** AMAMI-KUN

 **roasty:** what did amami-kun do?

 **hon hon hon:** well he uh

 **hon hon hon:** posed ouma with his middle finger up and a post-it note on his face saying “i’m a little shit”

 **a literal elf:** good

 **roasty:** i agree.

 **toasty:** me too

 **gettin that pussy:** so what are we going to do now

 **perfection:** leave him there

 **kick his ass babe:** agreed

 **shsl cult leader:** alright we’re going to back away now and run like the fucking wind before we get caught

Tuesday, January 23rd, 5:27 PM

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** TIS I

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** YOUR LORD AND SAVIOR

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** I WAS CAPTURED, KNOCKED OUT, AND TIED TO A TREE

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** ON THE THIRD HOUR I ROSE AGAIN

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** HERE TO ASK YOU

 **a literal elf:** ni shi shi shut the fuck up

 **shsl cult leader:** THANK YOU HOSHI

 **the real mage!:** yes good

 **the real mage!:** burn the marshmallow to roasty toasty perfection

 **roasty:** BLESS HOSHI.

 **toasty:** AFIRVBEJFOVA

 **perfection:** get fucked ouma

 **perfection:** you fucking deserve it

 **kick his ass babe:** yumeno what sorcery is this

 **the real mage!:** M A G I C

 **kick his ass babe:** but yeah ouma you totally deserve it

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** RUDE

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** I TREATED YOU ALL WITH KINDNESS AND WHAT DO YOU REPAY ME WITH

 **shsl cult leader:** okay but how the hell did you get out of that

 **shsl cult leader:** the rope was knotted five times and tied around the tree at least eight times

 **kick his ass babe:** yeah and we got harumaki to tie those knots

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** that genocider syo lady cut my ropes for me

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** but she almost killed me

 **perfection:** why didn’t she is the question

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** she said something about me not being cute enough

 **perfection:** you know what that’s good enough

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** WELL FUCK YOU TOO HARUKAWA

 **the real aikido master!:** If you dare to hurt Harukawa-san, you will pay!

 **kick his ass babe:** oh yeah he’s definitely going to pay

 **(^з^)-☆:** You all seem to be forgetting that Harukawa-san is an assassin…

 **hon hon hon:** angie was just thinking the same thing!

 **Gokuhara Gonta:** Um… everyone!

 **mom:** What is it, Gokuhara-kun?

 **roasty:** yes! what is it, gokuhara-kun?

 **Gokuhara Gonta:** Well, Gonta has been spending a lot of time on the Internet lately…

 **toasty:** that’s never good

 **the real aikido master!:** Please do not let the least degenerate of the degenerate males become a degenerate!

 **kick his ass babe:** that was a lot of “degenerate” in one sentence

 **the real aikido master!:** Shut up, degenerate male!

 **Gokuhara Gonta:** Gonta keeps seeing these pictures about “tide pods”, and he wants to ask if anyone else knows what they are!

 **a literal elf:** oh my gosh

 **the real mage!:** gokuhara you pure sweet summer child

**hon hon hon** changed **Gokuhara Gonta** ’s nickname to **pure sweet summer child**

**pure sweet summer child:** Gonta doesn’t quite get his nickname, but if everyone else likes it, then Gonta is okay with it!

 **the real mage!:** GOKUHARA YOU PURE SWEET SUMMER CHILD

 **demons:** tidepod.png

 **demons:** This is a Tide Pod, Gokuhara-kun. It is lethal and not safe to eat, but many people have begun to eat them.

 **pure sweet summer child:** Oh no! That’s not good!

 **hon hon hon:** don't ny’all think amami-kun looks like a tide pod?

 **shsl cult leader:** WHAT NO

 **K1-B0:** I am inclined to agree! The main color schemes of tide pods are green and blue, just like Amami-kun!

 **shsl cult leader:** N O

 **the real mage!:** too late kiibo confirmed it

 **kick his ass babe:** with facts to boot

**the real mage!** changed **shsl cult leader** ’s nickname to **shsl tide pod**

**(^з^)-☆:** I CAN’T BREATHE

 **shsl tide pod:** you don't understand how much i want to die

 **toasty:** i do

 **toasty:** i mean what

 **hon hon hon:** hey hey amami-kun! angie knows how you can die!

 **shsl tide pod:** how

 **hon hon hon:** eat a tide pod!

 **shsl tide pod:** STOP YOU’RE GIVING ME DEPRESSION

 **demons:** Eat that Tide Pod, Amami-kun.

 **the real mage!:** om nom nom

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** if amami’s a tide pod am i allowed to vore him

 **shsl tide pod:** i’m literally considering running to the laundry room and eating a tide pod right now

 **mom:** Amami-kun, I do not use Tide Pods to do laundry.

 **shsl tide pod:** damn it

 **kick his ass babe:** why would you ever suggest that ouma

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** it just kind of popped into my head

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** like i was just thinking and then

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** poof

 **roasty:** ouma’s into tide pod vore pass it on.

 **kick his ass babe:** oumA’S INROTIWHDM

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** WHAT THE FUCK TITTYMATSU

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** NO I’M NOT

 **toasty:** ouma's into tide pod vore pass it on

 **shsl tide pod:** ouma’s into tide pod vore pass it on

 **the real mage!:** ouma's into tide pod vore pass it on

 **hon hon hon:** Ouma’s into tide pod vore pass it on

 **demons:** Ouma is into Tide Pod vore. Pass it on.

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** I’M NOT INTO TIDE POD VORE

 **gettin that pussy:** OUMA’S INTO TIDE POD VORE PASS IT ON

 **the real aikido master!:** The degenerate male is into tide pod vore! Pass it on!

 **kick his ass babe:** ouma’s into tide pod vore pass it on

 **(^з^)-☆:** Ouma’s into tide pod vore pass it on.

 **perfection:** Ouma’s into tide pod vore pass it on

 **a literal elf:** ouma’s into tide pod vore pass it on

 **mom:** I’m disappointed in you, Ouma, for being into Tide Pod vore.

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** I’M NOT INTO TIDE POD VORE MOM

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** WHY WON’T YOU BELIEVE ME

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

 **a literal elf:** hey does anyone else feel a big headache coming on

 **mom:** I must agree, Hoshi-kun. I am rather tempted to disband this group chat if this continues

 **kick his ass babe:** please

 **kick his ass babe:** put this mistake into the ground

 **kick his ass babe:** dig its grave and make it homely

 **kick his ass babe:** that way it will never ever be resurrected

 **roasty:** momota-kun you good?

 **kick his ass babe:** sorry i’m just

 **kick his ass babe:** really regretting making this chat and i just want someone to kick us all

 **perfection:** am i hallucinating or did Momota actually regret one of his decisions

 **kick his ass babe:** ты знаешь, ты любишь меня

 **perfection:** not again

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** i dare you mom

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** I DOUBLE DOG DARE YOU

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** KICK US ALL MOM

 **toasty:** is no one going to point out how harukawa said “not again” like she and momota have experienced something like this before

 **mom:** Watch me, then.

**perfection:** Saihara

 **hon hon hon:** everybody, drumroll please~!!!!!

**mom** kicked **14 others** from **The Cult™**

**demons:** Toujou-san...

 **mom:** Shinguuji-kun.

 **demons:** Please do not kick me. I’m not done writing down the chat log for my observation purposes.

**mom** kicked **demons** from **The Cult™**

**mom** has left **The Cult™**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *insert thonking emote*
> 
> Also if you're wondering why Momota isn't being a dumb like he is often portrayed, it's because he's ACTUALLY REALLY SMART OKAY like come on stop treating the kid like he doesn't know jack HE’S FLUENT IN THREE LANGUAGES I’M NOT EVEN FLUENT IN THREE LANGUAGES


	3. The Cult™ but with Bots for All of Five Seconds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** WE’RE BACK BITCHES
> 
>  **toasty:** why are there 30 others

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Ideas: I’m not original ha ha you’ll see why

Wednesday, January 31st, 1:59 PM

**Ouma Kokichi** added **30 others** to **New Group**

**Ouma Kokichi** renamed **New Group** to **The Cult™**

**Ouma Kokichi** changed **15 others** ’s nicknames

**Ouma Kokichi** changed their nickname to **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head**

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** WE’RE BACK BITCHES

 **toasty:** why are there 30 others

 **toasty bot:** Emo's are stereotyped as depressed people who cut, and have dark hair that covers 3/5 of their face, they wear converse, girl pants, and tight shirts. Okay, who came up with that. So, not true. Not even close. And emo person is someone who feels emotions very strongly. Hint, the word emo. Whether it be happy, sad, mad, whatever. And they don't have to dress or look a certain way either! Also, not all emo's cut. Some do some don't. Cutting, writing, going off alone, whatever, they do it as a way to express their emotion or release what they feel. Oh and BTW not all emo chicks are crazy about sex___

 **toasty:** WHAT

 **toasty bot:** Emo's are stereotyped as depressed people who cut, and have dark hair that covers 3/5 of their face, they wear converse, girl pants, and tight shirts. Okay, who came up with that. So, not true. Not even close. And emo person is someone who feels emotions very strongly. Hint, the word emo. Whether it be happy, sad, mad, whatever. And they don't have to dress or look a certain way either! Also, not all emo's cut. Some do some don't. Cutting, writing, going off alone, whatever, they do it as a way to express their emotion or release what they feel. Oh and BTW not all emo chicks are crazy about sex___

 **kick his ass babe:** WHAT IN THE WORLD IS GOING ON

 **kick his ass babe bot:** Nothing is sure to bring up imagines of your immediate death more than coughing up blood. Although this symptom is frightening, there are many explanations for coughing up blood, ranging from the dire to the less life-threatening. Coughing up blood (hemoptysis) can be a sign of a serious medical condition. Infections, cancer, and problems in blood vessels or in the lungs themselves can be responsible. Coughing up blood generally requires medical evaluation unless the hemoptysis is due to bronchitis. 

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** nyahahahaha!!

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** wait

 **hon hon hon:** you’ve hurt angie’s feelings

 **hon hon hon bot:** Water, water everywhere, but not a drop to drink. Even when you let your imagination run wild, you can't imagine what it's like to be surrounded by an ocean 24*7*365. If you come from a landlocked region, like me, you are in for a bigger shock. The sound of the waves is not a calming sound. Unlike what the literature tells you, the waves which break on the banks of an island make frantic noise and to me it sounded like thunder storm of the plains. It takes getting used to.

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** anyways i hope you all enjoy

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** it took me a while to find all those paragraphs

 **(^з^)-☆:** you’re disturbing my binge watch of HnK! stop that!

 **(^з^)-☆ bot:** For one reason i like anime is cause of the various typs their are.their are some anime that is mainly about fighting,skating,science,love,basiclly everytype. another reason i like anime is cause the charactors and their situations that their in. Their charactors that are rememberable and their situations are relatable,we all have the problems and being able to see them but into a shows make you like it.another reason i like it is cause of the visual images, i like how some scens are shown it kinda builds on to the anime,especially when you have gotten into the anime

 **shsl tide pod:** that’s gotta be the worst thing i’ve ever seen

 **shsl tide pod bot:** In Barbie in The 12 Dancing Princesses, Barbie will dance her way into your hearts in this fun and enchanting all-new adventure. Join Barbie as the beautiful Princess Genevieve and her eleven dancing princess sisters as they discover a secret entrance to an amazing, magical world where wishes come true! But when their father is in danger of losing his kingdom, Princess Genevieve and her sisters must work together in order to save the day and their father. They learn that the power of family can overcome all obstacles!

 **shsl tide pod:** never mind

 **shsl tide pod bot:** In Barbie in The 12 Dancing Princesses, Barbie will dance her way into your hearts in this fun and enchanting all-new adventure. Join Barbie as the beautiful Princess Genevieve and her eleven dancing princess sisters as they discover a secret entrance to an amazing, magical world where wishes come true! But when their father is in danger of losing his kingdom, Princess Genevieve and her sisters must work together in order to save the day and their father. They learn that the power of family can overcome all obstacles!

 **gettin that pussy:** WAIT HOLD ON DICKWADS I GOT AN IDEA

 **gettin that pussy bot:** That sounds like a trivial question, but it's worth pausing a moment to consider what "invention" really means. In one of my dictionaries, it says an inventor is someone who comes up with an idea for the first time. In another, an inventor is described as a person of "unique intuition or genius" who devises an original product, process, or machine. Dictionary definitions like these are badly out of date—and probably always have been. Since at least the time of Thomas Edison (the mid-to-late 19th century), invention has been as much about manufacturing and marketing inventions successfully as about having great ideas in the first place.

**gettin that pussy:** WHAT

 **gettin that pussy bot:** That sounds like a trivial question, but it's worth pausing a moment to consider what "invention" really means. In one of my dictionaries, it says an inventor is someone who comes up with an idea for the first time. In another, an inventor is described as a person of "unique intuition or genius" who devises an original product, process, or machine. Dictionary definitions like these are badly out of date—and probably always have been. Since at least the time of Thomas Edison (the mid-to-late 19th century), invention has been as much about manufacturing and marketing inventions successfully as about having great ideas in the first place.

 **gettin that pussy:** IF

 **gettin that pussy bot:** That sounds like a trivial question, but it's worth pausing a moment to consider what "invention" really means. In one of my dictionaries, it says an inventor is someone who comes up with an idea for the first time. In another, an inventor is described as a person of "unique intuition or genius" who devises an original product, process, or machine. Dictionary definitions like these are badly out of date—and probably always have been. Since at least the time of Thomas Edison (the mid-to-late 19th century), invention has been as much about manufacturing and marketing inventions successfully as about having great ideas in the first place.

 **gettin that pussy:** I

 **gettin that pussy bot:** That sounds like a trivial question, but it's worth pausing a moment to consider what "invention" really means. In one of my dictionaries, it says an inventor is someone who comes up with an idea for the first time. In another, an inventor is described as a person of "unique intuition or genius" who devises an original product, process, or machine. Dictionary definitions like these are badly out of date—and probably always have been. Since at least the time of Thomas Edison (the mid-to-late 19th century), invention has been as much about manufacturing and marketing inventions successfully as about having great ideas in the first place.

 **gettin that pussy:** TYPE

 **gettin that pussy bot:** That sounds like a trivial question, but it's worth pausing a moment to consider what "invention" really means. In one of my dictionaries, it says an inventor is someone who comes up with an idea for the first time. In another, an inventor is described as a person of "unique intuition or genius" who devises an original product, process, or machine. Dictionary definitions like these are badly out of date—and probably always have been. Since at least the time of Thomas Edison (the mid-to-late 19th century), invention has been as much about manufacturing and marketing inventions successfully as about having great ideas in the first place.

 **gettin that pussy:** LIKE

 **gettin that pussy bot:** That sounds like a trivial question, but it's worth pausing a moment to consider what "invention" really means. In one of my dictionaries, it says an inventor is someone who comes up with an idea for the first time. In another, an inventor is described as a person of "unique intuition or genius" who devises an original product, process, or machine. Dictionary definitions like these are badly out of date—and probably always have been. Since at least the time of Thomas Edison (the mid-to-late 19th century), invention has been as much about manufacturing and marketing inventions successfully as about having great ideas in the first place.

 **gettin that pussy:** THIS

 **gettin that pussy bot:** That sounds like a trivial question, but it's worth pausing a moment to consider what "invention" really means. In one of my dictionaries, it says an inventor is someone who comes up with an idea for the first time. In another, an inventor is described as a person of "unique intuition or genius" who devises an original product, process, or machine. Dictionary definitions like these are badly out of date—and probably always have been. Since at least the time of Thomas Edison (the mid-to-late 19th century), invention has been as much about manufacturing and marketing inventions successfully as about having great ideas in the first place.

 **kick his ass babe:** stop clogging the goddamn chat

 **kick his ass babe bot:** Nothing is sure to bring up imagines of your immediate death more than coughing up blood. Although this symptom is frightening, there are many explanations for coughing up blood, ranging from the dire to the less life-threatening. Coughing up blood (hemoptysis) can be a sign of a serious medical condition. Infections, cancer, and problems in blood vessels or in the lungs themselves can be responsible. Coughing up blood generally requires medical evaluation unless the hemoptysis is due to bronchitis.

**mom** kicked **16 others** from **The Cult™**

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** NO DON’T KICK MY BOTS

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** I WORKED SO HARD TO GET THOSE PROGRAMMED AND SET UP

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** I EVEN TALKED TO THAT CROSSDRESSER FROM THE CLASS ABOVE OURS

 **mom:** Ouma-kun.

 **the real aikido master!:** How dare you! You dared to talk to a girl!

 **kick his ass babe:** chabashira you uh

 **kick his ass babe:** never mind

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** UGH FINE

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** since mom is going to crash my party

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** how about we play a game???

 **shsl tide pod:** no

 **toasty:** please no

 **roasty:** absolutely not.

 **demons:** I have to disagree.

 **the real mage!:** nnnnnnnnno

 **gettin that pussy:** FUCK NO YOU ASSHOLE

 **pure sweet summer child:** Gonta wants to disagree, but he has a lot of time on his hands!

 **K1-B0:** Gokuhara-kun, I think it’s a bad idea to agree to any game Ouma-kun wants to play…

 **(^з^)-☆:** I’d much rather not play your game, Ouma

 **a literal elf:** no

 **perfection:** never

 **kick his ass babe:** i’d kill myself before i played any game suggested by ouma

 **hon hon hon:** nuh uh!!!

 **the real aikido master!:** How dare you even suggest that, you degenerate male!

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** okay! let’s play

 **a literal elf:** ffs

 **kick his ass babe:** god damn it

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** here’s how we play

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** i’m gonna send a paragraph that one of the bots was supposed to send, and you have to guess whose bot was supposed to send that paragraph

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** of course shyhara memeota angie shittygane amameme and cum dumpster are exempt because their bots already sent paragraphs

 **gettin that pussy:** i wish oumas dad had pulled out

 **hon hon hon:** angiE’S EGIRUAHG;IREUAGHRWBF

 **hon hon hon:** IRUYHMAW

 **the real aikido master!:** That’s disgusting Iruma!

 **the real aikido master!:** But Tenko agrees!

 **(^з^)-☆:** Oh my gosh

 **shsl tide pod:** AGREED

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** FUCKING RUDE  >:(

 **the real mage!:** ew he emojied

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** but ANYWAYS

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** let’s see

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** who should we start with

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** found one

 **kick his ass babe:** oh boy

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** “Seesaws go by several different names around the world. Seesaw, or its variant see-saw, is a direct Anglicisation of the French ci-ça, meaning literally, this-that, seemingly attributable to the back-and-forth motion for which a seesaw is known. The term may also be attributable to the repetitive motion of a saw. It may have its origins in a combination of "scie" – the French word for "saw" with the Anglo-Saxon term "saw". Thus "scie-saw" became "see-saw". In most of the United States, a seesaw is also called a "teeter-totter". According to linguist Peter Trudgill, the term originates from the Nordic language word tittermatorter. A "teeter-totter" may also refer to a two-person swing on a swing seat, on which two children sit facing each other and the teeter-totter swings back and forth in a pendulum motion.”

 **a literal elf:** what the actual fuck

 **kick his ass babe:** I’M SORRY WTF

 **K1-B0:** I… er… uh…

 **roasty:** i.

 **shsl tide pod:** wHAT IN THE ACTUAL WORLD

 **the real mage!:** saihara

 **the real mage!:** help

 **toasty:** i truly have nothing to say

 **the real aikido master!:** Don’t ask the degenerate male for help!

 **gettin that pussy:** YO THAT’S A FUCKIN KINK IF I’VE EVER SEEN ONE

 **hon hon hon:** angie thinks she knows whose this is!!!

 **K1-B0:** Go on, Yonaga-san!

 **hon hon hon:** angie thinks it’s shinguuji-kun’s!

 **demons:** I’m… sorry?

 **demons:** Why would it be mine?

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** don’t act innocent shinguuji

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** i’ve seen that big ass seesaw in your lab

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** also yeah angie’s right it’s shinguuji’s

 **(^з^)-☆:** How… interesting…

 **demons:** Shirogane-san, please.

 **(^з^)-☆:** Sorry Shinguuji-kun

 **gettin that pussy:** WOW HOLD ON

 **gettin that pussy:** SINCE WHEN WERE THE WEEB AND THE CREEP ON THE SAME PAGE

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** WAIT WTF

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** I WASN’T AWARE OF THAT

 **K1-B0:** Ah hah! It appears we have finally “bamboozled” Ouma-kun!

 **toasty:** I’M SORRY WHAT

 **kick his ass babe:** HOLSY GHSIT KIIBS

 **the real mage!:** K I I B S

 **a literal elf:** good job kiibs

 **shsl tide pod:** yes kiibs

 **shsl tide pod:** good kiibs

 **K1-B0:** Ah, thank you, everyone! I’m glad to be able to participate in Ouma’s “roastfest”!

 **shsl tide pod:** suddenly i can’t breathe

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** KIIBS WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

**hon hon hon** changed **K1-B0** ’s nickname to **ouma’s roastfest**

**ouma’s roastfest:** Oh! Thank you, Angie-san!

 **hon hon hon:** nyahaha!! you’re welcome kiibs!!!!

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** I FUCKING HATE EVERYTHING

 **perfection:** kiibs i think i can say this with great certainty

 **ouma’s roastfest:** Harukawa-san…?

 **perfection:** you are the best thing that has ever graced this earth

 **kick his ass babe:** BABE

 **perfection:** no

 **kick his ass babe:** どうして

 **kick his ass babe:** 俺の彼女はひどいだよね

 **perfection:** 百田くん、うるさい。黙れ。

 **kick his ass babe:** thanks babe i feel really loved

 **gettin that pussy:** THIS FLUFF IS GOING TO MAKE ME FUCKIN PUKE

 **perfection:** iruma shut your mouth

 **gettin that pussy:** eep

 **the real mage!:** the whore got told

 **(^з^)-☆:** If you would like to know what they’re saying, I can translate for you!

 **roasty:** shirogane-san we’re japanese.

 **(^з^)-☆:** Oh

 **(^з^)-☆:** Right

 **toasty:** me too honestly

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** anyways we can move on right because i have the perfect one planned

 **demons:** I suppose we must.

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** “The daughter of a professional musician, Perri Knize was raised in a home saturated in classical music, but it wasn't until midlife, in the midst of her successful career as an investigative reporter, that she realized she'd missed her true calling--the piano. After a year of lessons, she decides to buy a piano of her own and begins a search for a modestly priced upright. Inexplicably she cannot be satisfied with any upright she plays, and instead she falls madly, illogically, in love with a rare German grand she discovers in a New York showroom. After a long dalliance, Knize refinances her house to buy this "magic" instrument she dubs "Marlene," after Dietrich, for its sultry voice.”

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** man i wonder whose this could be owo

 **roasty:** WHY.

 **toasty:** ouma i swear to god

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** WHATCHA GONNA DO SHYHARA HUH

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** FUCKING CRY AND GUILT TRIP ME

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** NOT GOING TO WORK

 **toasty:** you do know that harukawa-san gave me free “if i ever need her to beat up ouma” passes right

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** I’M NOT FUCKING SCARED OF HER

 **toasty:** and that if i ever needed to use them she’d team up with chabashira pekoyama and ikusaba to hunt you down if necessary

 **kick his ass babe:** babe don’t you think that’s a little extra

 **perfection:** absolutely not

 **perfection:** he’s ouma

 **kick his ass babe:** you know what fair enough

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** this is why i don’t like any of you

 **a literal elf:** great because we don’t fucking like you either

 **the real mage!:** exactly

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** y’know what let’s just move on

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** “List of prime ministers of Japan since the beginning of the 21st century: Mori Yoshiro (2000–01), Koizumi Junichiro (2001–06), Abe Shinzo (2006–07; 1st time), Fukuda Yasuo (2007–08), Asō Tarō (2008–09), Hatoyama Yukio (2009–10), Kan Naoto (2010–11), Noda Yoshihiko (2011–12), Abe Shinzo (2012– ; 2nd time)”

 **demons:** Oh my.

 **the real aikido master!:** Tenko… doesn’t get it at all!

 **(^з^)-☆:** Saihara-kun tasukete

 **toasty:** i will if you never do that again

 **(^з^)-☆:** Deal if it’ll get us out of this stupid game

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** thanks i’m feeling the love guys ; <<<

 **shsl tide pod:** feeling to the love

 **kick his ass babe:** amami no

 **toasty:** so since ouma is giving us a list of japanese prime ministers, we can assume that this person has some connections with the prime minister

 **toasty:** meaning they are probably a very responsible person

 **mom:** I very much regret not disbanding this chat while it was in its earlier stages.

 **toasty:** i

 **shsl tide pod:** IT’S TOUJOU

 **shsl tide pod:** HOW DID WE FORGET

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** good job tide pod you figured it out it is toujou

 **shsl tide pod:** never call me that ever again

 **a literal elf:** amami that’s literally what you are

 **(^з^)-☆:** Exactly! It’s canon!

 **the real mage!:** everyone amami rantarou is now tide pod and goes by it pronouns

 **shsl tide pod:** s t o p

 **hon hon hon:** don’t bully amami-kun!!!!

 **shsl tide pod:** ANGIE THIS IS LITERALLY ALL YOUR FAULT YOU’RE THE ONE WHO MADE THE COMPARISON

 **hon hon hon:** nyahahaha!!! whoops!!!!!

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** CAN WE MOVE ON

 **roasty:** fine.

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** “Mephedrone (MCAT): Street Names - 4-mmc, bounce, bubble, charge, drone, m-cat, magic, magical powder, mc, meow meow, meph, miaow, white magic. Short-term effects can include: insomnia, nausea, paranoia, headaches, vomiting. The comedown can make people feel lethargic, depressed, and very tired.”

 **mom:** Who is doing drugs.

 **gettin that pussy:** OH SHIT MOM ON THE CASE

 **ouma’s roastfest:** I agree! Who is doing drugs? Studies have shown that drugs, especially mephedrone, are bad for your health!

 **a literal elf:** hey kiibs

 **ouma’s roastfest:** Yes Hoshi-kun?

 **a literal elf:** can you calculate the percentage of me dying tomorrow accidentally or intentionally

 **ouma’s roastfest:** Hoshi-kun, you seem to be overestimating my abilities! I am not a soothsayer! If you would like to know these sorts of things, please ask Hagakure-senpai!

 **a literal elf:** i am not talking to that reggae-ass bum

 **kick his ass babe:** normally i would be laughing but i’m just wondering if hoshi is okay

 **a literal elf:** am i ever

 **kick his ass babe:** uh

 **a literal elf:** exactly

 **mom:** I will ask this again as we seemed to have drifted off topic.

 **mom:** Who. Is doing. Drugs.

 **gettin that pussy:** I BET ITS AMAMI THERE’S A REASON HIS HAIR IS GREEN

 **shsl tide pod:** MCAT ISN’T FUCKING GREEN ARE YOU HIGH

 **demons:** What… was that?

 **roasty:** saihara-kun was that you

 **toasty:** yeah sorry i just

 **toasty:** i figured out whose it is

 **roasty:** tell us!

 **ouma’s roastfest:** Yes, Saihara-kun! Do tell!

 **toasty:** it

 **toasty:** it’s yumeno

 **ouma’s roastfest:** Er…

 **ouma’s roastfest:** Come again?

 **the real mage!:** what

 **the real aikido master!:** Saihara-kun, I thought you were tolerable for a degenerate male! It turns out I was wrong, you degenerate male!

 **kick his ass babe:** shuuichi i usually believe in you but i’m sorry what

 **kick his ass babe:** please explain

 **toasty:** oh yeah uh

 **toasty:** well, it says one of the street names for mcat is “magic” and that some of the comedown effects can leave the person tired and lethargic…

 **gettin that pussy:** YOOOOOO

 **shsl tide pod:** WHAT THE FUCK

 **demons:** My goodness…

 **roasty:** SAIHARA-KUN YOU GENIUS

 **the real aikido master!:** I see, I was wrong! Ouma is the real degenerate here!

 **kick his ass babe:** shuuichi holy fuck

 **hon hon hon:** oh my my~!! what a twist!!!!

 **perfection:** saihara that’s brilliant but how the hell do you connect stuff like this

 **toasty:** i honestly have no clue

 **toasty:** but it’s yumeno right

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** yup yup! good job shyhara!

 **the real mage!:** screw u ouma

 **the real mage!:** i hate you with every inch of my body

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** man that’s not a lot of inches!

 **the real mage!:** u can’t talk u ding dong

 **shsl tide pod:** look at that high quality insult

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** anyways next one!

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** “The Japanese term tsundere refers to an outwardly violent character who "runs hot and cold", alternating between two distinct moods: tsuntsun(aloof or irritable) and deredere (lovestruck). The term was originally used to describe characters who began with a harsh outgoing personality, but slowly revealed a soft and vulnerable interior over time, which made this a plot trope as much as it is a character trope. Over the years the character archetype has become flanderized, and is now generically associated with a character who flips between the two emotional states at the slightest provocation, and usually at a specific person rather than a general sociability problem.”

 **kick his ass babe:** i

 **kick his ass babe:** i have a feeling but i don’t want to say it for fear of

 **kick his ass babe:** y’know

 **kick his ass babe:** wait

 **kick his ass babe:** NEVER MIND FORGET I SAID ANYTHING

 **(^з^)-☆:** owo

 **(^з^)-☆:** What’s wrong, Momota-kun?

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** momota-kun what’s wrong????

 **kick his ass babe:** SHUT THE FUCK UP OUMA

 **the real mage!:** that’s suspicious

 **the real aikido master!:** Tenko agrees!

 **roasty:** wait a minute…

 **roasty:** WAIT.

 **toasty:** akamatsu-san…?

 **shsl tide pod:** WAIT

 **roasty:** AMAMI-KUN

 **shsl tide pod:** NO FUCKING WAY

 **hon hon hon:** hey hey!!! why’s everyone so panicky??????

 **hon hon hon:** ...oooooooh!!! angie gets it!!

 **hon hon hon:** can angie say it~???

 **shsl tide pod:** IF YOU WANT TO DIE GO AHEAD

 **a literal elf:** it’s harukawa’s

 **(^з^)-☆:** wait

 **(^з^)-☆:** OH

 **(^з^)-☆:** I DIDN’T KNOW HARUKAWA-SAN WAS A TSUNDERE!

 **perfection:** hoshi if you’re hoping to get killed sorry to get your hopes up but i’m not going to kill you

 **perfection:** i’m killing the little marshmallow behind this shit

 **a literal elf:** damn it

 **toasty:** i feel like a failure

 **toasty:** there’s no way

 **toasty:** i can’t keep living like this

 **toasty:** this is all i’m good for and now i’ve been bested in my game

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** shut up you emo fuck

 **kick his ass babe:** shut up you marshmallow panta asshole

 **demons:** Ouma, Momota, break it up. Let us move on, so we can get out of this game. I must say, I feel that we are all getting sick of this.

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** ugh y’all can’t understand true artistry

 **a literal elf:** says the person saying “y’all”

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** “Hey there / Your head, waist, legs, calves  
Good! Feeling feeling? Good! It's soft / I'll make you gasp and I'll make you scream / Damn! Girl! I'm a party mafia! / Ah ah ah ah I'm a… / ah ah ah ah I'm a… / Ah ah ah ah I'm a mother father gentleman / Ah ah ah ah I'm a… / Ah ah ah ah I'm a… / Ah ah ah ah I'm a mother father gentleman / I'm a, ah I'm a / I'm a mother father gentleman / I'm a, ah I'm a / I'm a mother father gentleman”

 **roasty:** OUMA.

 **toasty:** WH Y

 **roasty:** I MEAN THIS WITH EVERY FIBER OF BEING.

 **kick his ass babe:** OUMA WHAT THE FUCK

 **roasty:** FUCK. YOU.

 **gettin that pussy:** WOW TITTYMATSU BUSTING OUT THE BIG WORDS

 **(^з^)-☆:** This… is Gokuhara-kun’s, isn’t it?

 **shsl tide pod:** ouma fuck you

 **a literal elf:** oh my fucking god

 **pure sweet summer child:** Gonta does want to be a gentleman!

 **shsl tide pod:** UIREBGAIRKHEBGHKFDJNXVMC,NVSDOIAHGIURAE

 **gettin that pussy:** HOLY FUCK

 **roasty:** i’m literally done.

 **the real aikido master!:** How dare you, you degenerate! You have tainted the least degenerate of the degenerates!

 **demons:** I cannot say I am pleased at this moment.

 **ouma’s roastfest:** Gokuhara-kun…

 **a literal elf:** i’m so fucking done

 **kick his ass babe:** i cannot believe i fucking read that

 **perfection:** hey ouma i’m planning your murder right now, by the way

 **toasty:** please harukawa-san. please

 **(^з^)-☆:** DO NOT TAINT THE GENTLE GIANT OUMA

 **hon hon hon:** Oh my!!!! Gokuhara-kun, I did not expect that!!!!!!

 **pure sweet summer child:** Did… Did Gonta do something wrong?

 **mom:** No Gonta. Ouma is simply being a troublemaker.

 **mom:** Again.

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** >:((((((((((

 **perfection:** stop

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** FINE THEN

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** LET’S JUST MOVE ON

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** “How would you feel about getting therapy from a robot? Emotionally intelligent machines may not be as far away as it seems. Over the last few decades, artificial intelligence (AI) have got increasingly good at reading emotional reactions in humans. But reading is not the same as understanding. If AI cannot experience emotions themselves, can they ever truly understand us? And, if not, is there a risk that we ascribe robots properties they don’t have? The latest generation of AIs have come about thanks to an increase in data available for computers to learn from, as well as their improved processing power. These machines are increasingly competitive in tasks that have always been perceived as human.”

 **ouma’s roastfest:** That’s robophobic, Ouma-kun!

 **ouma’s roastfest:** Wait a minute!

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** oh what’s this??? A DAILY DOUBLE HERE HAVE ANOTHER PARAGRAPH

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** “If you've never thought about being a lesbian you aren't thinking straight (no pun intended). Lesbianism is a great option for any woman. All men know it. In fact on any given day, the male community is waiting for the day when women up and figure out that they'd be way better off if they just cut guys out of the picture entirely. Want to be an early adopter? Here's reasons why all women should try being a lesbian.”

 **toasty:** the first one is kiibs’s paragraph

 **roasty:** mhm definitely.

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** saihara-chan solves the case again!

 **toasty:** never call me that please and thank you

 **shsl tide pod:** the second one is chabs’s paragraph

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** how are you so sure amami????

 **shsl tide pod:** no one else here is lesb except maybe iruma and iruma’s paragraph was exempt from this game

 **gettin that pussy:** NAH BUD I’M NOT LESB I’LL FUCK ANYTHING THAT MOVES

 **shsl tide pod:** yeah i don’t doubt that you’d bang a rock with a skirt on

 **the real aikido master!:** Where is the marshmallow degenerate!?

 **demons:** That is certainly an interesting way to address Ouma.

 **the real mage!:** roast that marshmallow degenerate chabs

 **the real aikido master!:** Yes Yumeno-san! Anything for you!

 **shsl tide pod:** yeezus we get it you’re lesb can we move on Ouma

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** okay~!

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** “The domestic cat (Felis silvestris catus or Felis catus) is a small, typically furry, carnivorous mammal. They are often called house cats when kept as indoor pets or simply cats when there is no need to distinguish them from other felids and felines. They are often valued by humans for companionship and for their ability to hunt vermin. There are more than seventy cat breeds recognized by various cat registries. Cats, despite being solitary hunters, are a social species and cat communication includes the use of a variety of vocalizations (mewing, purring, trilling, hissing, growling, and grunting), as well as cat pheromones and types of cat-specific body language.”

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** also saihara shut

 **toasty:** wha

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** i know you know who it is

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** but let the others have their fun

 **kick his ass babe:** isn’t it hoshi

 **kick his ass babe:** process of elimination and shit right

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** FUCK

 **shsl tide pod:** foiled again

 **demons:** Wah wah waaaaah.

 **shsl tide pod:** hey seesaw man do me a favor and never do that ever again

 **(^з^)-☆:** S… seesaw man

 **the real aikido master!:** Seesaw degenerate!

 **the real mage!:** perfect give me a sec

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** give her a succ

 **gettin that pussy:** GIVE YUMENO THE SUCC

 **the real aikido master!:** No!

**the real mage!** changed **demons** ’s nickname to **seesaw degenerate**

**seesaw degenerate:** Somehow I am not surprised.

 **gettin that pussy:** hey chabs do you want the succ

 **the real aikido master!:** Iruma-san you cannot imagine the amount of hate I hold for you right now!

 **kick his ass babe:** oof

 **shsl tide pod:** hated by the one lesb in the group

 **shsl tide pod:** sad

 **ouma’s roastfest:** I am inclined to agree with Amami-kun’s statement! Iruma-san’s existence is very sad!

 **kick his ass babe:** OOF

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Might as well explain why each character’s paragraph is theirs
> 
> Saihara: He’s literally the most emo thing ever like look at him  
> Momota: His sickness exists  
> Yonaga: She lives on an island  
> Shirogane: She’s the definition of a weeaboo  
> Amami: He has twelve sisters  
> Iruma: She’s an inventor and I did not want to google “paragraphs about tits”  
> Shinguuji: SEESAWS  
> Akamatsu: “Piano Freak”. That’s all  
> Toujou: She’s the prime minister  
> Yumeno: SHE’S ON DRUGS OKAY SHE TALKS ABOUT MAGIC POWDER AND SHE’S TIRED IT FITS  
> Harukawa: She’s not actually a tsundere but it’s just for humor alright  
> Gokuhara: GENTLEMAN that paragraph was a mistake I’m sorry  
> Kiibo: Robots. AIs. Hooray  
> Chabashira: She’s lesbian no questions asked  
> Hoshi: He fudging loves cats and so do I


	4. Just a Normal Sunday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **a literal elf:** wait saihara how allergic are you
> 
> **toasty:** i break out into rashes if i touch fur
> 
> **a literal elf:** shit
> 
> **toasty:** wait
> 
> **toasty:** YOU

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Ideas: More of this mistake, coming right your way

Sunday, February 11th, 12:34 AM

**roasty:** WAIT HOSHI LIKES CATS?

 **toasty:** a

**toasty:** akamatsu-san

**roasty:** HOSHI YOU LIKE CATS?

**a literal elf:** yeah

**a literal elf:** something wrong with me liking cats

**roasty:** NO I LOVE CATS TOO.

**a literal elf:** oh?

**roasty:** I FUCKING LOVE CATS SO MUCH.

**toasty:** akamatsu-san

**toasty:** i understand that you love cats

**toasty:** but could you not talk about them when it’s midnight

**a literal elf:** hey akamatsu open your door

**roasty:** YEAH?

**roasty:** AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

**toasty:** akamatsu-san?????

**toasty** sent an image to **The Cult™**

**roasty:** CATS!!!!!!

 **roasty:** SO MANY CATS!!!!!

**roasty:** HOSHI-KUN WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME ABOUT YOUR CATS?????

**a literal elf:** uhhhh i thought you were allergic

**roasty:** what?

**toasty:** hoshi-kun

**toasty:** I’M the one who’s allergic

**a literal elf:** these fucking nicknames are going to drive me insane one day

**toasty:** me too honestly

**a literal elf:** wait saihara how allergic are you

**toasty:** i break out into rashes if i touch fur

**a literal elf:** shit

**toasty:** wait

**toasty:** YOU

**a literal elf:** i’m sorry okay

**toasty:** Y O U

**toasty:** THAT’S WHY

**roasty:** what happened?

**toasty:** i guess hoshi forgot to change out of his clothes or something because he came over to my room so we could work on the group project together and he ended up leaving some fur on my bed and well

**a literal elf:** basically yeah

**roasty:** is that why you wouldn’t roll up your sleeves for two weeks straight?

**toasty:** yeah

**mom:** Akamatsu-san, Saihara-kun, Hoshi-kun. I must ask you three to sleep.

**toasty:** oh

**toasty:** hi toujou-san sorry i will go to sleep now

**roasty:** yeah sorry toujou-san i’ll go to sleep too.

**a literal elf:** let me get my cats as far away from saihara as i can before i sleep

**mom:** I will help you. My room is right next to Akamatsu-san’s after all.

**a literal elf:** oh thanks

Saturday, February 10th, 1:17 AM

**mom:** Iruma-san and Amami-kun. I know you two are awake because you do not sleep well, so I must ask you to put your phones away and at the very least attempt to sleep.

 **shsl tide pod:** oh

**gettin that pussy:** FUCK

**shsl tide pod:** mom don’t know if you’ve ever heard of the word insomnia

**mom:** I see, Amami-kun. Is it one of those nights?

**shsl tide pod:** yeah my bad

**mom:** Do not apologize for your inability to sleep. Try to keep yourself relaxed, then, and make sure you use more concealer tomorrow to cover up your eye bags.

**mom:** Iruma-san, please go to sleep. I know you do not have insomnia like Amami-kun - you simply stay up reading erotica, and I must say I am disappointed in you.

**shsl tide pod:** yikes

**gettin that pussy:** SHIT FUCK I’M SORRY MAID MOMMY PLEASE DON’T KILL ME

**mom:** ...Go to sleep and I shall forgive you for what you just called me.

**shsl tide pod:** wait mom you knew about my insomnia

**mom:** Of course. I got into contact with everyone’s physicians to be able to serve you all better.

**shsl tide pod:** that’s kind of terrifying to think about but thanks mom

**mom:** Of course. If you need me for anything, I will be happy to serve you.

Sunday, February 11th, 5:49 AM

**ouma’s roastfest:** Good morning! I hope everyone had a restful night!

 **perfection:** i haven’t had one of those in years

**ouma’s roastfest:** Oh no! Why not, Harukawa-san?

**ouma’s roastfest:** Harukawa-san?

**ouma’s roastfest:** Did I say something wrong, Harukawa-san?

**kick his ass babe:** yes kiibs you did now i have a harumaki to cuddle

**ouma’s roastfest:** Ah! I’m sorry, Harukawa-san!

Sunday, February 11th, 6:24 AM

**ouma’s roastfest:** ...Oh no! I’m sorry Harukawa-san! I will note that these are sensitive subjects for you!

 **kick his ass babe:** she says it’s okay and that she’s fine now

**ouma’s roastfest:** Oh, that’s good!

**a literal elf:** ah anxiety attacks

**a literal elf:** the reason i want to fucking die

**shsl tide pod:** me at insomnia

**kick his ass babe:** wow look at this nice supportive community

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** i still fucking hate all of you

**perfection:** fuck you

**a literal elf:** fuck off marshmallow we all hate you

**kick his ass babe:** great we still hate you too

**shsl tide pod:** good because we all fucking hate you

**a literal elf:** wow

**toasty:** synchronized ouma burning is what i want to wake up to

**ouma’s roastfest:** Good morning Saihara-kun!

**kick his ass babe:** morning shuuichi

**kick his ass babe:** by the way ouma harumaki doesn’t want to pick up her phone so she told me to tell you to go kill yourself

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** fuck it i’m going back to sleep

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** clearly NO ONE appreciates ME

**shsl tide pod:** of course no one does who do you think you are saihara

**toasty:** what

**shsl tide pod:** it’s supposed to be a compliment

**shsl tide pod:** forget i said anything insomnia is catching up to me

**toasty:** no i get that it was supposed to be a compliment

**toasty:** but no one appreciates me

**kick his ass babe:** SHUUICHI BRO ARE YOU FUCKING HIGH

**kick his ass babe:** DO YOU REALIZE HOW LOST ALL OF US WOULD BE WITHOUT YOU

**toasty:** uhhh no????

**toasty:** you’re all… smart and talented??? you wouldn’t need me of all people to help you out????

**roasty:** psyhara koon i swear to God

**ouma’s roastfest:** Ah, good morning Akamatsu-san! Are you alright? You misspelled Saihara-kun’s name!

**shsl tide pod:** that’s an interesting way of spelling his name

**roasty:** i’m using Speech to text okay shut am a Meme koon also Morning keebs

**shsl tide pod:** i

**shsl tide pod:** WHY

**shsl tide pod:** WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE

**kick his ass babe:** “AM A MEME KOON”

**a literal elf:** i mean

**a literal elf:** it's not exactly wrong tide pod-kun

**kick his ass babe:** UHIFAGHIRUGKJAERJKBFKJ

**shsl tide pod:** I’VE BEEN BETRAYED

**shsl tide pod:** BY HOSHI OF ALL PEOPLE

**the real aikido master!:** Why does Tenko wake up to this!?

**a literal elf:** why are you using speech to text of all things

**a literal elf:** it’s not like you lost your fingers overnight

**ouma’s roastfest:** Good morning Chabashira-san!

**perfection:** you know who’s going to lose his fingers overnight

**the real aikido master!:** Don’t talk to Tenko when she just woke up! Tenko doesn’t want to talk to degenerates right now!

**ouma’s roastfest:** Oh…

**shsl tide pod:** nah don’t cut off his fingers just fucking eviscerate him

**kick his ass babe:** don’t bully kiibs

**shsl tide pod:** then stick some poison into that motherfucker and watch it go off while you slowly torture him and wait for him to tell you what you always wanted to hear: “i’m actually dying.”

**perfection:** yeezus crust momota started coughing up blood the exact moment you said that

**perfection:** we’ll be right back

**toasty:** of course

**toasty:** every day must, for some reason, be started by momota coughing up blood

**roasty:** i did not lose my Fingers i’m just too Tired To type out everything

**roasty:** this random Capitalization is annoying Me but i’m not going to go back and fix It

**the real aikido master!:** Wait a minute!

**the real aikido master!:** What is Harukawa-san doing with a degenerate male this early!?

**shsl tide pod:** chabs this is old news

**shsl tide pod:** they basically live together in momota’s room at this point

**the real aikido master!:** What!?

**the real aikido master!:** That degenerate male! How dare he!

**roasty:** chaps momo tah literally dies every morning let Him have his girl

**kick his ass babe:** nah we good

**kick his ass babe:** please let me have harumaki though

**seesaw degenerate:** Chabashira-san, I am inclined to agree with Akamatsu-san.

**ouma’s roastfest:** Good morning Shinguuji-kun! I hope you slept well!

**kick his ass babe:** local robot man is too friendly and energetic for this early in the morning, more news at 11

**seesaw degenerate:** Good morning, Kiibo-kun. I tried.

**roasty:** mood for Life

**shsl tide pod:** me too guuj

**toasty:** relatable

**roasty:** anyways i’m going to go Back to sleep for A bit

**roasty:** i’m Really tired tm

**toasty:** hope you sleep well akamatsu-san

**the real aikido master!:** Sleep well, Akamatsu-san!

**toasty:** i need to work on my cases too

**toasty:** i’ll see you all later

**ouma’s roastfest:** Goodbye Akamatsu-san and Saihara-kun! How is everyone else today?

**a literal elf:** no

**ouma’s roastfest:** ...I see.

Sunday, February 11th, 1:32 PM

**the real mage!:** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KgbGiExvqi8

 **the real mage!:** akamatsu @ hoshi’s cats

**toasty:** you just woke up didn’t you yumeno-san

**the real mage!:** yeah

**the real mage!:** something wrong with that

**toasty:** no just… wondering

**ouma’s roastfest:** Well, good morning Yumeno-san! Or, good afternoon!

**the real mage!:** hello roboman

**the real mage!:** do u have a dick today

**the real aikido master!:** Yumeno-san!

**ouma’s roastfest:** …

**roasty:** ggnored.

**shsl tide pod:** can i just point out how it’s yumeno who sends the vines every time

**the real mage!:** yeah bc i am the vine master

**gettin that pussy:** vine daddy

**kick his ass babe:** STOP

**shsl tide pod:** NO

**gettin that pussy:** NOW SHE CAN REALLY GET THE SUCC

**the real mage!:** iruma i swear to god

**gettin that pussy:** WTF CHABS JUST PUNCHED A HOLE IN MY WALL

**roasty:** did she just yell “it’s what you deserve”?

**gettin that pussy:** YES

**the real aikido master!:** Because it is what you deserve!

**seesaw degenerate:** Well then good, because I agree.

**gettin that pussy:** PISS OFF SEESAW MAN

**seesaw degenerate:** I will seesaw you to death if you do not stop right now.

**gettin that pussy:** eek

**shsl tide pod:** quick question guuj how the fuck do you seesaw someone to death

**toasty:** ^ i’m not quite how you would use the seesaw to kill someone…

**shsl tide pod:** ...guuj you good or are you typing a long ass paragraph to school our asses

**seesaw degenerate:** It’s simple. Force someone under a cage in the guise of a séance, hide a sickle in the cage, and as it is pitch black, use the salt you used to draw the magic circle to find the one plank that you cut loose the night before who you murdered a different person for, and then stomp on it, thereby creating a seesaw mechanism with which you can kill someone with.

**the real mage!:** UHHHHHHH

**shsl tide pod:** FORGET I ASKED YOU ARE MOST DEFINITELY NOT GOOD

**toasty:** SHINGUUJI-KUN?????

**gettin that pussy:** DON’T FUCKING TELL ME OUR CLASS HAS ANOTHER COMPULSIVE KILLER

**perfection:** it’s my fucking job okay shut up

**a literal elf:** listen you slut

**gettin that pussy:** OH SHIT

**gettin that pussy:** I’M SORRY PLEASE DON’T HURT ME 

**kick his ass babe:** rest in pepperonis iruma

**kick his ass babe:** she died as she lived

**kick his ass babe:** being a fucking idiot

**pure sweet summer child:** Shinguuji-kun, killing is bad! Please do not kill Iruma-san!

**mom:** Shinguuji-kun.

**(^з^)-☆:** Shinguuji-kun, as sure as I am that that would make a great case in a murder mystery anime, please do not do that.

**hon hon hon:** oh m, shinguuji-kun!!! don’t do that!!! kami-sama says that’s bad~

**seesaw degenerate:** ...I was simply raising an example. I did not mean to startle all of you so much.

**shsl tide pod:** oh whew

**gettin that pussy:** thank fuck

**toasty:** hmmmmmm

**roasty:** Saihara-kun?

**toasty:** no nothing just thinking

**toasty:** carry on

**the real mage!:** susp

**hon hon hon:** you’re a compulsive killer, and you’re a compulsive killer, and you’re -

**shsl tide pod:** did yonaga just meme

**hon hon hon:** nyahahaha!!

**shsl tide pod:** I’M FUCKING SCREAMING

**shsl tide pod:** SHE FINALLY UNDERSTANDS OUR LANGUAGE

**the real mage!:** MEMES MEMES MEMES

**(^з^)-☆:** YONAGA-SAN

**kick his ass babe:** MAKE YOUR DREAMS MEMES

**kick his ass babe:** IF YOU CAN DREAM IT YOU CAN MEME IT

**gettin that pussy:** Y’ALL

**shsl tide pod:** y’all

**kick his ass babe:** y’all

**roasty:** y’all.

**a literal elf:** is there something you’re not telling us iruma

**a literal elf:** you fucking southerner

**gettin that pussy:** NO YOU ELF

**a literal elf:** explain why you used y’all

**a literal elf:** please don’t tell me you use it unironically

**gettin that pussy:** UHHHHHHH

**a literal elf:** i

**shsl tide pod:** oh my gosh

**kick his ass babe:** i’m going to fucking cry

**hon hon hon:** what’s so wrong about using y’all??? everyone on angie’s island uses y’all all the time!!!!

**the real mage!:** hey yonaga are u sure ur island isn’t like

**the real mage!:** texas

**hon hon hon:** very!!!!

**(^з^)-☆:** Has anyone ever thought that Yonaga-san’s island sounds like a shitpost meme compilation

**shsl tide pod:** holy shit shirogane

**roasty:** I CAN’T BREATHE/

**gettin that pussy:** I’MN CARCKLING RIGHTJM NOWE OH GFOD

**kick his ass babe:** honestly it’s true

**kick his ass babe:** i’m surprised yonaga didn’t meme with us until now

Sunday, February 11th, 2:55 PM

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** M E M E S

 **kick his ass babe:** ew its ouma

**perfection:** fuck off Ouma

**(^з^)-☆:** Oh my

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** do couples get fucking mind powers or something wtf

**kick his ass babe:** nah we just really hate you

**perfection:** can confirm that i do not share a mind with Momota

**perfection:** thankfully

**kick his ass babe:** ow that hurt harumaki :((((((

**perfection:** do that again and i’m breaking up with you

**kick his ass babe:** oh shit i was about to react with the sad face again

**kick his ass babe:** don’t break up with me babe

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** break up with him

**(^з^)-☆:** NO DON’T BREAK UP WITH HIM

**(^з^)-☆:** THE OTP MUST LIVE

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** BREAK UP WITH HIM HE’S A SHIT ANYWAYS YOU DESERVE BETTER HARUKAWA-CHAN

**(^з^)-☆:** DON’T BREAK UP WITH HIM YOU TWO ARE PERFECT

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** DON’T LISTEN TO THE WEEB LISTEN TO ME

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** YOU KNOW I’M RIGHT

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** I’M ALWAYS RIGHT

**(^з^)-☆:** OUMA’S LYING

**(^з^)-☆:** NOBODY WANTS YOU TWO TO BREAK UP

**a literal elf:** wtf is going on

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** BREAK UP

**(^з^)-☆:** BE THE OTP I ALWAYS WISHED FOR

**perfection** kicked **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head** and **(^з^)-☆** from **The Cult™**

**perfection:** anyone else want to die

 **a literal elf:** me

**perfection:** alright i’m going back to my homework

**a literal elf:** i am right here

**a literal elf:** just take your knife and run it through my chest and all my problems will be solved

**pure sweet summer child:** Hoshi-kun? Are you okay?

**a literal elf:** am i ever

**a literal elf:** don’t answer that

**pure sweet summer child:** Oh… okay!

Sunday, February 11th, 5:31 PM

**toasty** added **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head** and **(^з^)-☆** to **The Cult™**

**toasty:** so they don’t come and harass me later to be added back in

 **toasty:** also i’m looking through old serial killer case files and someone was killed the exact way shinguuji described his hypothetical “seesaw murder”

**kick his ass babe:** RUN

**toasty:** WHAT.

**gettin that pussy:** FUCK

**kick his ass babe:** BABE HELP

**perfection:** i am not touching that creep

**seesaw degenerate:** Oh.

**seesaw degenerate:** Well, I suppose there’s something comforting in knowing Harukawa-san won’t kill me.


	5. Electro-Shenanigans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **shsl tide pod:** saihara on the case my dudes
> 
>  **the real mage!:** it is wednesday my dudes
> 
>  **kick his ass babe:** it is not wednesday you dumbs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Ideas: *distant screaming*  
> Also I’ve been meaning to say this but this fic has received so much support I’m??? Blown away??? Holy shinto I never expected this thank you guys

Thursday, February 15th, 8:58 PM

**gettin that pussy:** WHO THE FUCK HIT KIIBS WITH ONE OF MY ELECTRO-HAMMERS

 **gettin that pussy:** I HAVE A FUCKING ROBO-CORPSE ON MY LAB TABLE

 **gettin that pussy:** WHICH ONE OF YOU FUCKERS DID IT

 **gettin that pussy:** FESS UP BITCH

 **kick his ass babe:** WOW WHAT THE FUCK

 **roasty:** WHAT?!

 **toasty:** AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

 **toasty:** KIIBO IS DEAD

 **toasty:** HE’S DEAD AND NOTHING WE DO CAN REVERSE IT

 **toasty:** AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

 **a literal elf:** what the fUCK

 **shsl tide pod:** WHO THE FUCK DID THAT TO KIIBS

 **shsl tide pod:** WHO KILLED KIIBS

 **seesaw degenerate:** I… I am speechless.

 **(^з^)-☆:** KIIBS NO

 **the real mage!:** WTF WHO KILLED KIIBO

 **the real aikido master!:** WHO DID IT!? KIIBO WAS ONE OF THE LEAST DEGENERATE OF THE MALES, HOW DARE THE CULPRIT!

 **hon hon hon:** kiibs no!!!!!!!! may kami-sama guide your soul!!!

 **hon hon hon:** is… is that gokuhara-kun i hear crying????

 **pure sweet summer child:** Kiibo-kun!!!!!

 **mom:** Kiibo… is dead?

 **perfection:** it was Ouma

 **perfection:** i fucking bet it was him

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** nishishishi

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** it actually wasn’t me

 **gettin that pussy:** Y’ALL CALM THE FUCK DOWN

 **gettin that pussy:** KIIBS ISN’T DEAD HE’LL BE FINE ONCE I FIX HIM

 **gettin that pussy:** I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHO BASICALLY KILLED HIM

 **toasty:** iruma-san you will not get an answer if you ask for one at this point

 **toasty:** the culprit will be unwilling to confess as we have all demonstrated how much hatred we now hold for them

 **toasty:** which means we must solve this case

 **toasty:** everybody, stay where you are

 **toasty:** do not move

 **shsl tide pod:** saihara on the case my dudes

 **the real mage!:** it is wednesday my dudes

 **kick his ass babe:** it is not wednesday you dumbs

 **toasty:** iruma-san send us pictures of the crime scene

**gettin that pussy** sent three images to **The Cult™**

**gettin that pussy:** there’s nothing out of the ordinary tbh

 **gettin that pussy:** except the one electro-hammer which we can assume was used to hit kiibs

 **a literal elf:** i think i see bondage gear in the corner and i honestly am not surprised

 **kick his ass babe:** i almost spat out my drink

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** what a slut

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** you cum dumpster

 **gettin that pussy:** aaaaaah talk smack to me yes

 **toasty:** iruma-san

 **gettin that pussy:** my b what do you need next

 **toasty:** next i will need everyone’s alibis

 **toasty:** iruma-san around what time do you believe the crime occurred

 **gettin that pussy:** I DON’T KNOW SHYHARA I WAS GONE ALL DAY

 **toasty:** fine we’re going to do this old fashioned way then

 **toasty:** i last saw kiibo in the classrooms right before dinner at 6:55 pm

 **toasty:** did anyone else see him later than that

 **mom:** I did. I saw Kiibo in his lab at around 7:30 PM.

 **toasty:** oh that’s much better thank you

 **mom:** I am glad to be of service.

 **pure sweet summer child:** Gonta saw Kiibo walking to his dorm at… um…

 **toasty:** take your time gokuhara-kun

 **shsl tide pod:** that sounds hella ominous

 **pure sweet summer child:** 8:15 PM! Gonta remembers now!

 **toasty:** ooooooooh thanks gokuhara-kun

 **pure sweet summer child:** Of course! Gonta is happy to be of help!

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** i’m going to be genuine here and tell you that i was the one who dragged kiibs’s body into iruma’s lab

 **kick his ass babe:** UH THAT SOUNDS REALLY SUSPICIOUS

 **the real aikido master!:** It was you, wasn’t it, you degenerate male!

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** it wasn’t me!!!!!! o^o

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** also i lied i didn’t drag kiibs into iruma’s lab

 **roasty:** somehow i’m not surprised.

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** buuuuuuut i did see yumeno dragging him to iruma’s lab at exactly 8:32 PM

 **kick his ass babe:** UM UM UM

 **roasty:** that’s???? concerning, to say the least????

 **a literal elf:** uhhhh yumeno want to explain

 **shsl tide pod:** the rumor comes out

 **shsl tide pod:** does yumeno is buff

 **gettin that pussy:** DADDY

 **shsl tide pod:** REVERSE

 **shsl tide pod:** BACK UP

 **shsl tide pod:** FORGET I SAID THAT

 **the real mage!:** how could u am a meme koon

 **shsl tide pod:** also chabs please don’t punch a hole in iruma’s wall and jam your middle finger again

 **shsl tide pod:** WHY WON’T YOU LET THAT GO IT WAS A ONE TIME THING

 **the real mage!:** just as ur tide pod joke was a one time thing

 **the real mage!:** well now i guess it isn’t

 **shsl tide pod:** that’s a fucking lie you guys have brought it up on multiple occasions

 **kick his ass babe:** petition to make amami a tide pod cake for his birthday

 **kick his ass babe:** all in favor say aye

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** AYE

 **shsl tide pod:** OH MY FUCKING GOD STOP

 **the real mage!:** aye

 **roasty:** aye.

 **a literal elf:** aye

 **seesaw degenerate:** Aye.

 **(^з^)-☆:** Aye

 **shsl tide pod:** CAN YOU ALL NOT

 **gettin that pussy:** AYE

 **the real aikido master!:** Aye!

 **hon hon hon:** aye!!!!!!!

 **perfection:** aye

 **mom:** I must agree and say aye.

 **shsl tide pod:** MOM HOW COULD YOU

 **toasty:** aye

 **pure sweet summer child:** Aye!

 **toasty:** okay but can we get back on topic

 **shsl tide pod:** I’M LITERALLY THIS CLOSE TO GIVING UP

 **toasty:** the crime occurred between 8:15 and 8:32

 **toasty:** yumeno-san why were you dragging kiibo-kun’s body to iruma’s lab

 **the real mage!:** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ

 **the real mage!:** oh uh

 **shsl tide pod:** i hate my life

 **the real mage!:** i walked outside my room and found kiibs just lying there and i thought he had like malfunctioned or something so i just dragged him to iruma’s lab

 **gettin that pussy:** THERE’S A BIG ASS DENT IN HIS CHEST HOW THE HELL DID YOU NOT NOTICE THAT

 **the real mage!:** o there was

 **gettin that pussy:** UHHH YEAH

 **toasty:** alright then

 **toasty:** iruma is the only one who has an alibi

 **toasty:** i want everyone to send their alibi

 **toasty:** i’ll go first

 **toasty:** i was my room around the time of the crime. i walked to my room with akamatsu-san at around 8 pm and i think shinguuji-kun can testify that i haven’t left my room since

 **gettin that pussy:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **seesaw degenerate:** Indeed. I haven’t heard Saihara-kun exit his room at all.

 **gettin that pussy:** DAMN IT THAT WAS MUCH LESS SPICY THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE

 **toasty:** no iruma-san

 **toasty:** just no

 **toasty:** yumeno-san? what about your alibi?

 **the real mage!:** well i went to my room after dinner w/ tenko and took a nap before waking up and going out of my dorm

 **the real mage!:** that’s when i found kiibs outside my door

 **the real mage!:** i put him in iruma’s lab and then went to the dining hall cause i was hungry

 **the real mage!:** i’m in here right now tenko’s w/ me rn

 **toasty:** okay

 **toasty:** chabashira-san what’s your alibi? i want to confirm yumeno-san’s alibi

 **the real aikido master!:** Understood! Tenko went to back to her room with Yumeno-san! Yumeno-san came to get me, and Tenko assumes it was after Yumeno-san dragged Kiibo’s body to Iruma-san’s lab because Yumeno didn’t have Kiibo with her and she did look rather tired! I assumed it was because she had just taken a nap! Anyways, she asked me to go with her to the dining hall, and so I did!

 **toasty:** okay so iruma yumeno chabs and myself have a solid alibi

 **toasty:** how about harukawa-san and momota-kun?

 **perfection:** we were out for dinner. we just got back so we couldn’t have done it

 **kick his ass babe:** ^ what harumaki said

 **(^з^)-☆:** Oh???????? OH????????????????

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** [insert lenny face]

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** wait that’s not my gimmick

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** hold on

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** WHY DIDN’T THEY BREAK UP

 **perfection:** oh my gosh

 **kick his ass babe:** please stop

 **hon hon hon:** angie agrees!!! angie saw them walking by her lab about ten minutes ago!!

 **toasty:** oh? so were you in your lab all the time, yonaga-san?

 **hon hon hon:** mhm mhm~!!! angie hasn’t left her lab all day!!!!!

 **toasty:** can anyone confirm that?

 **mom:** I unfortunately cannot Yonaga-san’s alibi as she did not have me deliver her food at all, but her lab door was locked all day. I attempted to enter it to give it a clean, but Yonaga-san refused to let me in.

 **shsl tide pod:** mom got oof’ed

 **toasty:** hm… i’ll mark her down as a possible suspect just to be safe

 **mom:** If you do not mind, I can state my alibi.

 **toasty:** no go ahead toujou-san

 **mom:** It may be hard to confirm my alibi, but I spent most of my time after dinner cleaning the labs and hallways, which is when I saw Kiibo-kun.

 **roasty:** ah yes! i saw toujou-san in the hallways! she spent around an hour sweeping the hallway and cleaning my pianos.

 **roasty:** i think she was here from 7:45 to 8:45!

 **toasty:** ah akamatsu-san you went to your lab?

 **roasty:** oh, yeah! ha ha, sorry i forgot to mention that

 **toasty:** it’s okay

 **toasty:** so akamatsu-san and toujou-san were together at the time of the crime

 **toasty:** uhhh lets see

 **toasty:** shirogane-san? what about you?

 **(^з^)-☆:** Well I was in the laundry room washing my clothes around the time of the crime

 **a literal elf:** hey sorry to burst your bubble but no you weren’t i’ve been in the laundry room since 5 pm and nobody except toujou has entered

 **(^з^)-☆:** SHIT

 **gettin that pussy:** BITCH

 **hon hon hon:** gasp!!!! shirogane-san was lying??????

 **hon hon hon:** angie can’t believe this!!!!!!!

 **toasty:** GOTCHA

 **roasty:** saihara-kun???? you okay???

 **shsl tide pod:** OH SHIT

 **the real mage!:** YOOOO

 **toasty:** sorry i’m just really happy i actually figured this out

 **perfection:** ah. there’s our culprit then

 **gettin that pussy:** YOU BITCH

 **kick his ass babe:** YO HOLY SHIT WHAT

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** OWO WHAT’S THIS

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** SHIWOGANE-SAN????

 **the real aikido master!:** What!? How could it be you, Shirogane-san!?

 **gettin that pussy:** YOU FUCKING BITCH YOU’RE THE ONE WHO DID IT

 **seesaw degenerate:** Oh my… I did not expect you to be the culprit, Shirogane-san.

 **mom:** Shirogane-san?

 **pure sweet summer child:** It’s Shirogane-san? How?

 **(^з^)-☆:** IT WAS AN ACCIDENT I’M SORRY PLEASE DON’T BE MAD OR CRY

 **shsl tide pod:** HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY HIT KIIBS WITH A FUCKING HAMMER THAT FORCEFULLY POWERS HIM DOWN

 **gettin that pussy:** THAT’S WHAT I’D LIKE TO FUCKING KNOW YOU BLUE-HAIRED FOUR-EYED BITCH

 **toasty:** i’ll admit i’m actually really curious

 **roasty:** ^^^ me too.

 **(^з^)-☆:** Look I grabbed the Electro-Hammer as a reference for my cosplay and I was running back to your lab to put it back and I was holding it and I turned the corner and Kiibs was there and I couldn’t stop in time and I hit him

 **seesaw degenerate:** I… am now getting a rather ridiculous image in my mind.

 **shsl tide pod:** ME TOO GUUJ

 **the real mage!:** omg

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** hey what if i threw an electrobomb at iruma’s lab

 **the real mage!:** OMG

 **gettin that pussy:** DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head** sent an image to **The Cult™**

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** ready???

 **gettin that pussy:** I’M GOING TO COME OUT THERE AND STRANGLE YOU

 **gettin that pussy:** ALL MY FUCKING INVENTIONS JUST POWERED DOWN OUMA YOU LITTLE SHIT

 **gettin that pussy:** NOW I CAN’T FUCKING FIX KIIBO

 **gettin that pussy:** OUMA YOU FUCKING SHIT

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** ni shi shi shi

 **a literal elf:** quick question how the hell do you have that electrobomb

 **gettin that pussy:** WAIT YEAH WHAT THE FUCK

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** honestly i’m not sure

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** i just woke up and i found it on my desk

 **shsl tide pod:** i bet it was shirogane

 **(^з^)-☆:** UHHHHHH

 **kick his ass babe:** GURIHGAIUERHGNDFKJNVFNNAL/

 **shsl tide pod:** HOLY SHIT WAIT

 **gettin that pussy:** YOU FUCKING BLUE-HAIRED FOUR-EYED BIMBO PIECE OF SHIT


	6. Local Couples get Harassed and the Cult Gets Revamped, More News at 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **ouma’s roastfest:** I believe Iruma-san’s point is that to motivate Ouma is worse than what Ouma does of his own volition!
> 
> **gettin that pussy:** YEAH THAT
> 
> **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** listen here you bitch
> 
> **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** if a fucking robot had to make your point for you
> 
> **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** i don’t think you can be fucKING TALKING

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Ideas: M I S T A K E  
> Also this fic has basically become an inverse relationship in which as the chapter numbers increase, the quality decreases. I don’t know why some of you guys still stick around for this shitty shitty humor

Monday, April 2nd, 7:59 PM

**gettin that pussy:** I’M STILL NOT OVER WHAT YOU DID SHITTYGANE

 **ouma’s roastfest:** Please let it go, Iruma-san! I do not blame Shirogane-san at all!

**(^з^)-☆:** Yeah listen to Kiibs

**gettin that pussy:** I WOULD BUT YOU’RE TELLING ME TO LISTEN TO KIIBS

**gettin that pussy:** AND OUT OF EVERYONE HERE I TRUST YOU THE LEAST NOW YOU BLUE-HAIRED BITCH

**kick his ass babe:** can you really say that when ouma exists

**(^з^)-☆:** ^

**gettin that pussy:** OKAY LOOK

**gettin that pussy:** I DON’T FUCKING TRUST SHIROGANE NEAR ANYTHING NOW

**gettin that pussy:** SHE FUCKING

**gettin that pussy:** TOOK ONE OF MY ELECTROBOMBS AND GAVE IT TO OUMA

**(^з^)-☆:** And your point is

**ouma’s roastfest:** I believe Iruma-san’s point is that to motivate Ouma is worse than what Ouma does of his own volition!

**gettin that pussy:** YEAH THAT

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** listen here you bitch

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** if a fucking robot had to make your point for you

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** i don’t think you can be fucKING TALKING

**ouma’s roastfest:** That’s robophobic!

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** how many times have we gotta tell you kiibs

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** that’s not

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** A THING

**gettin that pussy:** YOU’RE NOT A THING

**seesaw degenerate:** Oof.

**shsl tide pod:** ooF

**shsl tide pod:** GUUJ

**shsl tide pod:** MY MAN

**seesaw degenerate:** Yes?

**pure sweet summer child:** Amami-kun, Gonta thought Gonta was your man!

**kick his ass babe:** O O F

**shsl tide pod:** DIOHUIHFEUIDHIUHWAU SHIT

**shsl tide pod:** gokuhara man i didn’t uh

**shsl tide pod:** look i call people man

**shsl tide pod:** and like

**shsl tide pod:** look don’t take it personally i fuckin call everyone man

**pure sweet summer child:** Oh! Gonta didn’t know that!

**shsl tide pod:** yeah so uh

**shsl tide pod:** please don’t beat me up thanks

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** look at this tide pod

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** GROVELLING FOR HIS LIFE

**shsl tide pod:** FUCKING STOP IT ALREADY

**kick his ass babe** sent an image to **The Cult™**

**perfection:** i fucking told you not to

 **kick his ass babe:** ;)))))))))

**kick his ass babe:** 大好きだよ、babe

**toasty:** awwwwwww you two look so happy

**roasty:** ahhhhhhh how cute!!!!

**(^з^)-☆:** THE OTP

**ouma’s roastfest:** I do not have a heart, but if I had one it would be warming right now!

**perfection:** no

**roasty:** yes you are harukawa-san!

**kick his ass babe:** yeah babe

**kick his ass babe:** ツンツンのことをやめろよ

**perfection:** i will yamero you

**hon hon hon:** nya ha ha ha!!!! how perfect!!!!! kami-sama is saying angie should use you two as inspiration!!

**pure sweet summer child:** Gonta feels so happy for Harukawa-san and Momota-kun! What a wonderful couple!

**the real aikido master!:** Tenko still does not approve of this relationship!

**kick his ass babe:** oh give me a break already

**gettin that pussy:** FUCKIN SPICY

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** wow look at this TEENAGE COUPLE

**kick his ass babe:** ugh

**kick his ass babe:** look can the two of you learn to fucking shut it for once

**gettin that pussy:** NO

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** :middle finger:

**kick his ass babe:** great nice to know

**shsl tide pod:** wtf ouma you use discord

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** only to mess around

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** WOULD YOU LIKE TO ADD ME????? GASP

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** AM A MEME KOON

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** I DIDN’T KNOW YOU _LIKED_ ME

**(^з^)-☆:** Could this be the beginning of a blooming romance?????

**shsl tide pod:** fuck no

**shsl tide pod:** FUCK NO

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** oh DON’T BE LIKE THAT AMAMI

**shsl tide pod:** ouma fucking shut up

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** NO

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** YOU ALL CAN SUCK MY DICK

**perfection:** i don’t want to think about your dick

**gettin that pussy:** SHE WANTS TO THINK ABOUT MOMOTA’S

**perfection:** really loud sigh

**shsl tide pod:** GAUFEIRUAHFIUERFIU

**perfection** has left **The Cult™**

**toasty:** o h

 **hon hon hon:** harukawa-san!!!!!!

**the real aikido master!:** Come back, Harukawa-san!

**kick his ass babe:** SHE ACTUALLY LEFT

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** YES NOBODY ADD HER BACK

**kick his ass babe** added **perfection** to **The Cult™**

**perfection:** why

 **kick his ass babe:** I LOVE YOU BABE DON’T LEAVE ME

**perfection:** fine

**roasty:** awwwwwww!

**perfection** sent an image to **The Cult™**

**perfection:** this knife is about to meet its match if you don’t stop

 **ouma’s roastfest:** Harukawa-san, please don’t threaten others like that!

**perfection:** i have an electrohammer and i’m not afraid to use it

**ouma’s roastfest:** …

**gettin that pussy:** IF Y’ALL HIT KIIBS WITH AN ELECTROHAMMER ONE MORE TIME I WILL FUCKING STRANGLE YOU

**gettin that pussy:** ALSO WHY THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE ONE OF MY ELECTROHAMMERS

**gettin that pussy:** SHITTYGANE IS THIS YOUR FAULT

**(^з^)-☆:** Why do you always assume it’s my fault

**toasty:** it’s a fair assumption given everything that you did

**shsl tide pod:** FUCKING BURNED

**gettin that pussy:** YEAH WHAT EMO DETECTIVE SAID

**the real aikido master!:** Stop ganging up on Shirogane-san, you degenerate male and Iruma-san!

**a literal elf:** called out

**kick his ass babe:** also shuuichi when are you going to fucking ask out akamatsu

**a literal elf:** CALLED OUT

**gettin that pussy:** HOLY FUCK

**perfection:** ah right

**shsl tide pod:** I’M SOBBING HOLY CR AP

**toasty:** OFGHAIUHFIUEWHIUPRHAIUEW

**hon hon hon:** oh! oh! ohhhhhhhhhh~!

**pure sweet summer child:** Oh! Are Saihara-kun and Akamatsu-san going to be a couple?

**(^з^)-☆:** OH MY GOD

**seesaw degenerate:** Oh my. This got heated rather… quickly.

**toasty:** MOMOTA-KUN

**the real aikido master!:** DEGENERATE MALE!

**the real mage!:** wow

**toasty:** WHY HERE

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** SAIHARA NO DON’T GO TO THE DARK SIDE

**toasty:** WHY NOW

**roasty:** o h

**toasty:** AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

**kick his ass babe:** my b but like come on

**kick his ass babe:** we all know at this point

**toasty:** change the topic

**toasty:** SOMEONE CHANGE THE TOPIC

**the real mage!:** is anyone else craving salami

**toasty:** THANK YOU

**seesaw degenerate:** We just had dinner.

**the real mage!:** so

**a literal elf:** i crave death but now that you mention it

**toasty:** me too hoshi-kun

**toasty:** the death part not the salami part i had some already

**mom:** I can make you two some salami and cheese sandwiches if you would like.

**a literal elf:** hell yeah

**the real mage!:** ur the best mom

**mom:** It will be ready in five minutes or so. Feel free to come to the cafeteria now.

**seesaw degenerate:** I’ll be leaving the cafeteria then. I can’t stand salami.

**(^з^)-☆:** ^ Agreed

**the real mage!:** WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU

**the real mage!:** HOW DO YOU HATE SALAMI

**(^з^)-☆:** HOW DO YOU LIKE IT

**shsl tide pod:** salami’s okay i guess

**a literal elf:** yo i fucking love salami how do you not

**seesaw degenerate:** It’s the flavor that puts me off.

**(^з^)-☆:** Yeah same

**a literal elf:** okay those are acceptable reasons

**(^з^)-☆:** But it also looks really weird

**the real mage!:** THAT’S NOT LEGIT

**the real aikido master!:** Yumeno-san, how is not a “legit” reason?

**the real mage!:** THERE ARE SO MANY OTHER FOODS THAT “LOOK WEIRD” BUT LOTS OF PEOPLE LIKE THEM

**ouma’s roastfest:** I have to agree! When I saw many foods for the first time, I thought they looked weird!

**seesaw degenerate:** What is a specific example you can provide?

**ouma’s roastfest:** I thought eggplants were weird! Sea cucumbers too, and umi budou!

**roasty:** i understand the last two but do eggplants really look that weird?

**hon hon hon:** angie agrees! when she saw eggplants for the first time, she didn’t think they looked weird!

**mom:** I personally do not mind salami, although it tends to be packaged very poorly.

**perfection:** all packaged meats are like that

**kick his ass babe:** yeah they package all processed meats like that

**kick his ass babe:** although you usually use fresh meat right mom

**mom:** Correct. I’m not used to the packing on processed meats.

**the real mage!:** i still don’t think food looking weird is a legit reason to not like it

**the real mage!:** salami doesn’t even look that weird

**shsl tide pod:** how did this entire chat become an in-depth analysis on opinions about salami

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** have you noticed that salami sounds like amami

**kick his ass babe:** you know what else starts with an ‘a’

**toasty:** MOMOTA-KUN NO

**shsl tide pod** renamed **The Cult™** to **The Cult™ Now Dedicated to Food**

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** this cult has lost its purpose

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** how could you

**shsl tide pod:** you know what else is lost

**roasty:** what?

**shsl tide pod:** saihara fucking shuuichi

**shsl tide pod:** WHERE IS THAT BOY IN YOUR LIFE

**toasty:** sTOP

**kick his ass babe** changed **toasty** ’s nickname to **if found please return to roasty**

**kick his ass babe** changed **roasty** ’s nickname to **i am roasty**

**shsl tide pod:** I’M FUCKING CRYING

 **if found please return to roasty:** MOMOTA-KUN

**i am roasty:** i’m.

**the real mage!:** you’re roasty

**shsl tide pod:** AHFEWU;HFUIEHAIWHFIUEWHIU

**i am roasty:** YUMENO-SAN.

**if found please return to roasty:** I’M ACTUALLY CRYING

**if found please return to roasty:** WE’RE BEING HARASSED

**a literal elf:** local couples are harassed, more news at 11

**shsl tide pod:** okay but since this cult has become dedicated to food

**shsl tide pod:** can we talk about food

**shsl tide pod:** specifically pumpkin pie

**shsl tide pod:** not pumpkin pie like the shit your grandma buys from the store to bring to christmas dinner

**a literal elf:** on what planet does your grandma buy pumpkin pie to bring to christmas dinner

**i am roasty:** ^

**shsl tide pod:** like actual pumpkin pie with no spices or shit like that y’know

**shsl tide pod:** on MY planet

**a literal elf:** on your tide pod planet

**shsl tide pod:** **_STOP_**

**gettin that pussy:** GHUIEAHFIPEWI TIDE POD-CHAN GOT OOF’ED BY THE GREMLIN

**a literal elf:** busting out the g-word now are we

**gettin that pussy:** I’LL BUST YOUR G-WORD

**a literal elf:** i will bust your gut if you don’t stop

**shsl tide pod:** thank you hoshi

**a literal elf:** if you don’t stop talking about pumpkin pie i will bust yours too

**shsl tide pod:** oh

**shsl tide pod:** but i do really like pumpkin pie

**shsl tide pod:** GUYS HELP

**kick his ass babe:** no

**seesaw degenerate:** No.

**shsl tide pod:** GOD DAMNIT

**the real mage!:** bye bye tide pod

**the real aikido master!:** Bye bye degenerate male!

**shsl tide pod:** I HATE ALL OF YOU

**pure sweet summer child:** Even Gonta!?

**hon hon hon:** even angie????

**shsl tide pod:** NOT YOU GONTA

**shsl tide pod:** ESPECIALLY YOU ANGIE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Half of the teasing that happened this chapter was based on things that have happened to me before because if you think my friends and I are mature enough to not tease each other about the people we like you’re absolutely positively incorrect


	7. Language Mumbo-Jumbo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **shsl tide pod:** well sorry bud but i can’t help you
> 
> **kick his ass babe:** LITERALLY NO ONE CAN WHICH MAKES THIS ONE OF THE WORST LANGUAGE I’VE EVER STUDIED
> 
> **kick his ass babe:** FHUAWEHFUIPHEWHFEUHFUH4EPYUDUH4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Ideas: “Would love to see a chapter where Kaito just talks in another language the entire time to torment everyone else xD” - Alunnanaria  
> In this installment, I exhaust myself trying to shove every language I’ve ever studied into one chapter  
> I only planned to have like half of the chapter be Momota messing with everyone but saw that comment and was like y’know what an entire chapter is fine too

Monday, May 28th, 2:01 AM

**kick his ass babe:** what the fuck is mandarin

 **a literal elf:** why are you studying mandarin at this hour

**shsl tide pod:** why are you even studying mandarin

**kick his ass babe:** astronaut things

**kick his ass babe:** fhauhfuahepuwiufe wHY

**kick his ass babe:** WHAT THE FUCK ARE THESE PARTICLES

**kick his ass babe:** WHY CAN’T I JUST SAY 一个鱼 WHY DO I HAVE TO SAY 一条鱼

**kick his ass babe:** I DON’T

**kick his ass babe:** U N D E R S T A N D

**shsl tide pod:** well sorry bud but i can’t help you

**kick his ass babe:** LITERALLY NO ONE CAN WHICH MAKES THIS ONE OF THE WORST LANGUAGE I’VE EVER STUDIED

**kick his ass babe:** FHUAWEHFUIPHEWHFEUHFUH4EPYUDUH4

Monday, May 28th, 2:01 AM

**gettin that pussy:** I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK WAS HAPPENING BUT SAME

 **kick his ass babe:** 闭嘴

**gettin that pussy:** what?????

**kick his ass babe:** nothing

Monday, May 28th, 3:59 PM

**kick his ass babe:** 大家好

 **perfection:** what

**perfection:** no

**perfection:** momota stop

**if found please return to roasty:** what’s happening

**i am roasty:** confusion????

**kick his ass babe:** 我的名字是百田解斗，今年十七岁

**perfection:** someone help

**the real mage!:** i’m so confused

**the real aikido master!:** What are you doing, you degenerate male!?

**kick his ass babe:** 我想死

**a literal elf:** i don’t know what you just said but i see the kanji for die and i relate

**kick his ass babe:** 你看，星懂我

**shsl tide pod:** what’s happening wtf

**a literal elf:** thanks bud i don’t know what you said but i see the kanji for my name there so thanks whatever you said

**kick his ass babe:** 我在讲中文应为我要练习我的中文

**perfection:** momota

**perfection:** stop

**kick his ass babe:** нет

**shsl tide pod:** did

**shsl tide pod:** did you just say het

**perfection:** it means no in russian

**shsl tide pod:** oh my god

**shsl tide pod:** is he just going to talk in random languages to mess with us

**kick his ass babe:** да

**perfection:** “yes”

**perfection:** because of course he is going to

**kick his ass babe:** 我爱你春川

**kick his ass babe:** 我的宝贝

**perfection:** i know you’re talking about me and i just want you to know that i hate you

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** wHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING MEMEOTA???

**kick his ass babe:** 我的天啊

**kick his ass babe:** он вернулся

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** WHAT THE HAPP IS FUCKENING

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** I CAN’T TROLL YOU LIKE THIS

**Translate** function has been added to user **ouma’s roastfest**

**gettin that pussy:** YOU’RE WELCOME YOU SHITS

 **(^з^)-☆:** Oh wow

**kick his ass babe:** ты не забава

**ouma’s roastfest:** “You’re no fun”

**shsl tide pod:** oh gOD BLESS

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** HA TAKE THAT

**kick his ass babe:** 我跟你说一句实话

**ouma’s roastfest:** “Let me tell you something important”

**kick his ass babe:** ты кусок дерьма

**ouma’s roastfest:** “You’re a piece of shit”

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** bITCH

**if found please return to roasty:** oh my god

**if found please return to roasty:** did you just get roasted in another language

**pure sweet summer child:** Oh, Gonta knows Mandarin!

**kick his ass babe:** 真的吗？？？？

**ouma’s roastfest:** “Really????”

**pure sweet summer child:** Yes! Gonta went to Taiwan to research bugs once, and learned some Mandarin there!

**kick his ass babe:** 讲一句，讲一句

**ouma’s roastfest:** “Say something, say something”

**pure sweet summer child:** 我很喜歡虫子！

**ouma’s roastfest:** “I really like bugs!”

**the real mage!:** gokuhara u pure sweet summer child

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** wow the only thing i know is how to say in mandarin is dick

**the real aikido master!:** Of course! That’s the only thing degenerate males think about!

**kick his ass babe:** ты когда-нибудь заткнись

**ouma’s roastfest:** “Ouma do you ever shut up?”

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** no!!!1!!!1111!!1!

**kick his ass babe:** どうしてお前はこんなにおろかな

**ouma’s roastfest:** “Why are you this stupid?”

**hon hon hon:** ooooooh what’s this?????

**shsl tide pod:** ngl i thought she wrote “owo what’s this” at first

**a literal elf:** for fuck’s sake

**gettin that pussy:** FAUEWFIUPEWHIUFHPIEWUH

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** OWO

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** WHAT’S

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** THIS

**hon hon hon:** ooh angie didn’t know you were studying mandarin momota-kun!!!

**kick his ass babe:** да я

**ouma’s roastfest:** “Yes, I am”

**kick his ass babe:** 言っているでしょ？宇宙飛行士になりってのためだ

**ouma’s roastfest:** “Didn’t I say? It’s so I can become an astronaut”

**i am roasty:** did you not read the chat backlog, angie-san?

**hon hon hon:** huh???

**hon hon hon:** huuuuuuuuh???

**hon hon hon:** ohhhhhhh!

**shsl tide pod:** welcome to technology, angie

**seesaw degenerate:** Ah, the wonders of technology.

**the real mage!:** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fc1P-AEaEp8

**shsl tide pod:** i’ve never seen that vine before and i was doing my eyeliner and now there’s a big ass line across my temple and down my cheek

**shsl tide pod:** this is literally all your fault

**gettin that pussy:** PICS OR IT DIDN’T HAPPEN

**shsl tide pod:** i’d rather it didn’t happen than send pics

**pure sweet summer child:** Don’t worry Amami-kun! We won’t make fun of you! We love you for who you are!

**shsl tide pod:** omg gokuhara

**the real mage!:** what did we do to deserve this pure boy

**kick his ass babe:** そうですよ！

**ouma’s roastfest:** “Exactly!”

**perfection:** see gokuhara is a pure sweet boy, very unlike another boy i know

**kick his ass babe:** ;)))))) я люблю тебя

**ouma’s roastfest:** “;)))))) I love you”

**perfection:** no

**kick his ass babe:** ええ、ちょっとまって

**ouma’s roastfest:** “Uh, please wait a moment”

**Translate** function has been removed from user **ouma’s roastfest**

**Adding functions** function has been banned from user **gettin that pussy**

**gettin that pussy:** BITCH

 **ouma’s roastfest:** Oh my! Momota-kun, how did you do that?

**gettin that pussy:** WHAT THE FUCK

**gettin that pussy:** HOW THE FUCK

**gettin that pussy:** BITCH

**i am roasty:** oh.

**(^з^)-☆:** Oh maybe I can translate Japanese now that Kiibo is unable to translate!

**if found please return to roasty:** uhhh shirogane-san

**if found please return to roasty:** knowing momota-kun, he’s probably not going to speak Japanese now so we won’t understand what he’s saying

**(^з^)-☆:** …

**(^з^)-☆:** ……………….

**(^з^)-☆:** Darn it!

**shsl tide pod:** oof

**the real mage!:** feelsbadman

**kick his ass babe:** 気持ちが悪い男

**(^з^)-☆:** Did you just do a direct translation of what Yumeno said into Japanese

**kick his ass babe:** да

**if found please return to roasty:** hey i’ve got a question momota-kun

**kick his ass babe:** 什么事？

**if found please return to roasty:** how are you switching between languages so quickly

**kick his ass babe:** 我有三个键盘，然后也有三个电脑。每个电脑被设定到一个语言

**perfection:** i don’t know what you said but i see the kanji for three so i’m guessing it has to do with his three monitors and keyboards

**if found please return to roasty:** his what

**perfection:** he has three keyboards and monitors

**perfection:** he probably has all of them opened to the chat and all of them are set to a different language

**perfection:** whenever he wants to switch languages he’ll just switch keyboards

**kick his ass babe:** абсолютно верно

**gettin that pussy:** WHY THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE THREE MONITORS AND KEYBOARDS

**gettin that pussy:** IF ANYONE NEEDS THAT SHIT IT’S ME

**kick his ass babe:** Зачем

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** *wiggles eyebrows* oOooOOOOOHhhhHH

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** IRUMA WHAT A BAD GIRL

**gettin that pussy:** SHUT THE FUCK UP

**gettin that pussy:** IT’S NOT FOR THAT OKAY

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** owo

**(^з^)-☆:** uwu

**ouma’s roastfest:** ouo!

**shsl tide pod:** KIIBS WHAT THE FUCK

**ouma’s roastfest:** Oh? Was I not supposed to do that?

**(^з^)-☆:** HUAHGUFIPEHFIUHA;EIWUHWEUIFHUIWEA

**(^з^)-☆:** UHAEWP9RHF[3249HRF9[3HUFHUIEWHAFIUEWA

**(^з^)-☆:** WE4URQP9EHWFHEUIWHAUFIGHEWIUAFHIUEW

**(^з^)-☆:** KIIBS

**(^з^)-☆:** KIIBS

**(^з^)-☆:** OH MY GOD

**(^з^)-☆:** FGHUIERAHFEHUFHUIEWHUFHUPEIFUIRHWEUIHAFUEHWUFHUEIHAFEFIUEAIUFHAIEWUHI

**the real mage!:** yeezus calm down shirogane

**(^з^)-☆:** KIIBS IS A WEEB

**(^з^)-☆:** GUYS

**(^з^)-☆:** FINALLY

**(^з^)-☆:** SOMEONE HAS JOINED ME IN HELL

**ouma’s roastfest:** What!? In hell!?

**(^з^)-☆:** METAPHORICALLY

**(^з^)-☆:** BUT YES

**(^з^)-☆:** FINALLY

**a literal elf:** shut up shirogane

**(^з^)-☆:** Fine

**kick his ass babe:** 我是とてもсмущенный

**perfection:** oh god

**perfection:** my eyes hurt just looking at that mess

**perfection:** momota i swear to god

**a literal elf:** all i managed to pick up from my limited russian and okay japanese is “very confused” and honestly if anyone’s confused it’s us

**a literal elf:** so shut

**kick his ass babe:** 对不起

**hon hon hon:** angie doesn’t think what momota’s doing is confusing at all!

**hon hon hon:** angie actually thinks it’s kind of fun!!! nya ha ha ha~!!

**a literal elf:** the overwhelming urge to gut someone is slowly surfacing

**i am roasty:** \- hoshi 2k18.

**(^з^)-☆:** Truly iconic

**shsl tide pod:** indeed

**a literal elf:** thanks

**shsl tide pod:** actually wait i just had an idea

**shsl tide pod:** can’t we just have guuj translate i’m sure he knows a shit ton of languages

**shsl tide pod:** where the fuck is guuj anyways

**seesaw degenerate:** Not willing to translate any drivel that comes out of Momota’s mouth, that’s where.

**shsl tide pod:** oh

**the real mage!:** shot down by ur fave guy

**the real mage!:** smh

**the real mage!:** i expected better from u tide pod

**shsl tide pod:** STOP

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** yeah tIDE POD

**shsl tide pod:** I HATE THIS GROUP SO MUCH

**kick his ass babe:** Это все ты виноват

**shsl tide pod:** listen momota i don’t know what you said

**shsl tide pod:** but fuck you buddy

**kick his ass babe:** 没问题

**mom:** Momota-kun, your laundry is ready. However, I would like to speak with you about the bloodstains on your clothing.

**kick his ass babe:** oh okay coming

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** B I T C H NOW YOU SPEAK ENGLISH???

**perfection:** i don’t know what i see in you

**kick his ass babe:** 愛しているよベーブ ；）

**(^з^)-☆:** : “I love you too babe ;)”

**perfection:** i’m going to murder you

**i am roasty:** I CAN’T STOP LAUGHING.

**if found please return to roasty:** fhuieahfafyuewpuyfyaewpiw this is very entertaining

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lots of Chinese because I actually know it and can speak it fluently unlike Japanese (still studying) and Russian (literally just translated all of it)  
> Next chapter is in the works but I don’t have any other ideas aside from that one so if you feel inclined to go ahead and suggest ideas in the comments


	8. Okay Kiibo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** wait what hoshi tried to contract harukawa to strangle him
> 
> **a literal elf:** as an april fools’s joke yeah but the attempt still stands
> 
> **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** wait what the fuck is april fools
> 
> **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** i’m dead serious what the fuck is that

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Ideas: I’ve arisen from the dead okay here’s another chapter of this random shit

Monday, July 2nd, 10:03 PM

**Adding functions** function has been unbanned from user **gettin that pussy**

**Adding functions** function has been added to user **gettin that pussy**

**gettin that pussy:** YES

 **gettin that pussy:** GET HACKED YOU MOTHERFUCKER

**kick his ass babe:** what

**gettin that pussy:** DON’T FUCKING TELL ME YOU FORGOT YOU ASS

**gettin that pussy:** YOU BASICALLY COCKBLOCKED ALL OF US FROM UNDERSTANDING ANYTHING YOU SAID

**kick his ass babe:** no i uh

**kick his ass babe:** i remember but

**kick his ass babe:** don’t say cockblocked please

**gettin that pussy:** WHAT DID YOU GET COCKBLOCKED

**gettin that pussy:** H U H

**gettin that pussy:** IS THAT WHY YOU’RE SO SORE ABOUT IT YOU PUSSY

**perfection:** iruma

**gettin that pussy:** fuck FUCK FUCK I’M SORRY PLEASE DON’T HURT ME

**the real mage!:** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHnZYzhRgXI

**the real mage!:** harukawa’s the dog, momota’s the dog owner, and iruma’s the one screaming for him to get his dog away

**the real mage!:** it’s canon don’t @ me

**i am roasty:** yumeno how many of those do you have?

**the real mage!:** a lot

**the real mage!:** that’s all you need to know

**if found please return to roasty:** i honestly don’t know if i want to know anymore than that

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** i wanna know!!!!!11!!!1111!!!!!!11!1!11!!1

**i am roasty:** oh no.

**the real aikido master!:** You degenerate male! How dare you try to steal Yumeno-san’s magic to use for your own degenerate male schemes!

**kick his ass babe:** wow yikes chab out of nowhere

**(^з^)-☆:** Somehow I feel the need to note down Yumeno’s comparison to her vine for future reference…

**perfection:** if you do i will strangle you

**shsl tide pod:** wowkay settle down there harukawa

**(^з^)-☆:** I mean it is a good AU idea

**a literal elf:** yo could you also strangle me while you’re at it

**perfection:** no i’m not going to strangle you

**perfection:** i know you tried to contract me to strangle you hoshi

**perfection:** i think you should get your little problem checked out

**a literal elf:** yeah that’s what i thought

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** wait what hoshi tried to contract harukawa to strangle him

**a literal elf:** as an april fools’s joke yeah but the attempt still stands

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** wait what the fuck is april fools

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** i’m dead serious what the fuck is that

**a literal elf:** oh if you don’t know i probably shouldn’t tell you

**a literal elf:** we’d literally be shooting ourselves in the foot if we told you what that was

**the real mage!:** well now he’s just going to search it up

**mom:** Do not worry. I’ve already restricted Ouma-kun’s internet.

**mom:** Access denied, Ouma-kun.

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** WHAT THE FUCK

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** DID YOU PUT PARENTAL CONTROLS ON MY COMPUTER TOO??????

**mom:** Indeed.

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** MOM WHAT THE HECK

**mom:** It’s for the safety and wellbeing of our class.

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** ARE YOU SAYING I’M A HAZARD AND DANGEROUS?????

**mom:** If I could remove you from the premises, I would do so immediately.

**kick his ass babe:** OOOOOOOOOH GET BURNED

**kick his ass babe:** BY MOM OF ALL PEOPLE

**if found please return to roasty:** okay really random but has anyone noticed that iruma-san hasn’t typed anything in……………. a while

**shsl tide pod:** susp

**seesaw degenerate:** Not really. Many people randomly drop out of our chat only to come back later on in the conversation.

**Text control** function has been added to user **ouma’s roastfest**

**(^з^)-☆:** 何？！

 **gettin that pussy:** GO NUTS Y’ALL

**shsl tide pod:** oh shit what

**gettin that pussy:** IT’S LIKE VOICE CONTROL BUT YOU TYPE IT INSTEAD

**mom:** Kiibo, what is the weather going to be like tomorrow?

**ouma’s roastfest:** Sunny with a little bit of clouds. The high temperature will be 79˚F or 26˚C, and the low will be 65˚F or 18˚C.

**ouma’s roastfest:** I hope that helps, Toujou-san!

**mom:** Thank you, Kiibo. It helps quite a bit.

**kick his ass babe:** oh shit that’s so cool

**kick his ass babe:** kiibs is the sky good tonight for stargazing

**ouma’s roastfest:** Yes! It may be a little cold but the skies are very clear today! Be sure to bring your telescope and don’t forget to take pictures!

**kick his ass babe:** good shit

**kick his ass babe:** thanks kiibs

**kick his ass babe:** babe you ready we’re going stargazing tonight

**perfection:** ugh fine

**(^з^)-☆:** KIIBS HOW MANY MORE DAYS ARE LEFT UNTIL OTAKON

**ouma’s roastfest:** Thirty eight days, eight hours, fifty six minutes, and twenty eight seconds!

**(^з^)-☆:** Y E S

**(^з^)-☆:** I CAN’T WAIT I’M SO READY

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** okay kiibo do robots have dicks?

**ouma’s roastfest:** i knew one of you shits (probably ouma) would ask this sO I SET THIS AS THE DEFAULT ANSWER SO YOU WOULDN’T MAKE KIIBS ACTUALLY LOOK THAT SHIT UP ALSO FUCK YOU - gorgeous girl genius iruma

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** oh okay

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** cancel search kiibo

**if found please return to roasty:** oh my god dON’T TREAT HIM LIKE A GOOGLE HOME

**shsl tide pod:** okay kiibo is ouma a little shit?

**ouma’s roastfest:** Absolutely!

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** YOU MOTHER FUCKER

**shsl tide pod:** cancel search kiibo

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** IRUMA YOU BITCH

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** DID YOU PUT THAT AS THE DEFAULT ANSWER

**gettin that pussy:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** I FUCKING HATE YOU

**gettin that pussy:** THE FEELING IS MUTUAL YOU LITTLE MARSHMALLOW

**the real aikido master!:** I agree! I also hate Ouma!

**the real aikido master!:** Okay Kiibo! How do I eliminate all the degenerate males in the world!

**ouma’s roastfest:** It is possible. However, I highly doubt that it will be a good idea, nor will it be easy.

**the real aikido master!:** A little trouble never stopped me! Now tell me!

**ouma’s roastfest:** Then no.

**kick his ass babe:** ifahwefuiehwifhiuewhiuehepiwuh OOFED

**seesaw degenerate:** Okay Kiibo, how much salt can be contained within me?

**kick his ass babe:** oh that’s a mood

**ouma’s roastfest:** A human body can contain approximately two hundred grams, or about forty teaspoons!

**perfection:** i honestly doubt that considering how salty momota can get

**kick his ass babe:** hEY STOP EXPOSING ME BABE

**i am roasty:** you do realize you just exposed yourself, right momota-kun?

**kick his ass babe:** uh

**kick his ass babe:** oh

**shsl tide pod:** this is so sad kiibo play despacito

**perfection:** oh my god

**(^з^)-☆:** fhuawehfiwFSHAUIHEWIUFHIAWEHEI I LOVE THAT MEME

**kick his ass babe:** WAIT HE’S ACTUALLY PLAYING IT

**gettin that pussy:** HE’S NOT A FUCKING AMAZON ECHO

**if found please return to roasty:** oh my gosh i can hear it from down the hall

**pure sweet summer child:** Oh! Is that the song Gonta is hearing?

**gettin that pussy:** NEITHER IS HE A FUCKING GOOGLE HOME

**gettin that pussy:** AND TURN THAT SHIT OFF KIIBS

**shsl tide pod:** STOP IT

**shsl tide pod:** YOU’LL TAINT GOKUHARA’S PURE SOUL

**the real mage!:** deeespacito

**hon hon hon:** quiero respirar tu cuello despacito~!! 

**hon hon hon:** deja que te diga cosas al oído

**hon hon hon:** para que te acuerdes si no estás conmigo

**the real mage!:** deeeespacito

**hon hon hon:** quiero desnudarte a besos despacito

**hon hon hon:** firmo en las paredes de tu laberinto

**hon hon hon:** y hacer de tu cuerpo todo un manuscrito

**the real mage!:** (sube sube sube)

**the real mage!:** (sube sube)

**a literal elf:** kiibo stopped playing the song already so can you two shut up

**if found please return to roasty:** oh my gos h how does yonaga-san know all the spanish lyrics

**hon hon hon:** nya ha ha~!!!!!

**hon hon hon:** angie is very good at memorizing song lyrics~~

**pure sweet summer child:** Gonta likes that song! Kiibo-kun, can you keep playing it?

**shsl tide pod:** SHIT

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** YES GOOD GONTA

**seesaw degenerate:** I’m not going to lie Ouma, what you said makes it sound like you bribed Gokuhara to say that.

**i am roasty:** ouma i s2g if you bribed gokuhara with more fake bugs.

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** me??? bribe gokuhara??????

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** whatever do you mean????????????????

**hon hon hon:** a bribe? on OUR gokuhara? it’s more likely than you think~

**shsl tide pod:** oh my fucking god

**gettin that pussy:** HOLY FUCK

**kick his ass babe:** YONAGA WHAT ARE YOU

**the real mage!:** DESPACITO

**hon hon hon:** VAMOS A HARCERLO EN UNA PLAYA EN PUERTO RICO

**hon hon hon:** HASTA QUE LAS OLAS GRITEN “¡AY, BENDITO!”

**hon hon hon:** PARA QUE MI SELLO SE QUEDE CONTIGO

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** PARA QUE MI SELLO SE QUEDE CONTIGO

**hon hon hon:** PASITO A PASITO, SUAVE SUAVECITO

**kick his ass babe:** okay i don’t hate this song but how the heck do you guys know all the lyrics

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** NOS VAMOS PEGANDO, POQUITO A POQUITO

**hon hon hon:** QUE LE ENSEÑES A MI BOCA

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** TUS LUGARES FAVORITOS

**pure sweet summer child:** (Favoritos, favoritos baby!)

**i am roasty:** oh my gosh.

**shsl tide pod:** i

**shsl tide pod:** i can’t believe gokuhara joined the dark side

**a literal elf:** turn that fucking shit off

**pure sweet summer child:** Ah, sorry Hoshi-kun! Can you turn off your music, Kiibo-kun?

**a literal elf:** thank god some actually decent peace and quiet

Monday, July 2nd, 10:58 PM

**kick his ass babe:** hey kiibs

 **perfection:** if you play that song i’m kicking you out of my room

**kick his ass babe:** oh

**kick his ass babe:** okay never mind sorry babe

**perfection:** that’s what i thought

Tuesday, July 3rd, 1:28 AM

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** this is so sad kiibo play despacito

 **marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** crank it up to full blast

**shsl tide pod:** WHAT THE FUCK

**hon hon hon:** SÍ, SABES QUE YA LLEVO UN RATO MIRÁNDOTE

**gettin that pussy:** ANGIE STOP FUCKING YELLING THE LYRICS

**seesaw degenerate:** Could you not.

**gettin that pussy:** AND TYPING THEM INTO THE CHAT

**hon hon hon:** TENGO QUE BAILAR CONTIGO HOY

**the real mage!:** (DY)

**hon hon hon:** VI QUE TU MIRADA YA ESTABA LLAMÁNDOME

**a literal elf:** oh my fucking god

**hon hon hon:** MUÉSTRAME EL CAMINO QUE YO VOY

**if found please return to roasty:** FHAUIFHIEHUFIEWHFIEIW

**the real mage!:** (OH)

**gettin that pussy:** WILL YOU TWO FUCKING STOP

**pure sweet summer child:** Tú, tú eres el imán y yo soy el metal!

**the real mage!:** ME VOY ACERCANDO Y VOY ARMANDO EL PLAN

**marshmallow with a bottle of grape panta as a head:** SOLO CON PENSARLO SE ACELERA EL PULSO

**pure sweet summer child:** (Oh yeah!)

**gettin that pussy:** TURN THAT FUCKING SHIT OFF OR I SWEAR TO GOD

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry if any of you guys like Despacito it’s just. Too much of a meme. I couldn’t resist  
> Again, feel free to leave suggestions in the comments


End file.
